The Hidden Darkness

To the One I Call "Dad"

I don't hate you.. I've never hated you.
I hate that you hurt me.. and I hate that I let you.

When my friends asked me about you,
I told them that you weren't really there for me..
And it was the truth.. you didn't care about me..

But most of them looked at me like it was my fault..
It was my fault that you left and didn't come back,
You not wanting me, not caring about me.. all of it..
They thought it was my fault that you didn't love me!

I was 4 years old when you abandoned me
I was 9 when you decided to pretend to be a dad..
All because you wanted to show off to Ms. B how well behaved we were compared to her own kids..

You never wanted to spend time with me,
And when you tried, it felt forced and awkward..
It felt like I had no other choice..

When I hear about the people who don't know their dad's.. I can't help feeling like they're the lucky ones..
Because sometimes I wish that I didn't know you..

You aren't my father.. you're a tumor.
I've tried to cut you out, but you're still feeding off me
The memories won't stop, and they keep coming back
The weight of the pain is crushing me and I can't breathe..

I keep cutting and cutting the memories out,
But they come back again and again..

I want to tell you all of this to your face,
But I don't wanna see you again..
Because I know that you'll just hurt me once again..