There are many apologies that I know I'll never get..
The 1st apology would be from my father's mother..
When she heard my mom was pregnant,
She disowned me before I was even born.
She yelled and screamed and cussed my dad out..
"How dare you get that fucking bitch pregnant?!" she spits..
Like the words are a venom and can't get out fast enough
"I will NEVER accept that child as my grandchild"
She kept her word.. she didn't treat me like she hated me,
But she didn't love me either.. we will always be strangers..
And yeah; I know that she won't ever accept me.. so it's okay
But it still hurts.. why can't she see me and love me?
The 2nd apology would be from my father..
There's so much pain and trauma here,
So I have no idea where to even begin..
You loved me once.. but somewhere down the line, that love faded..
You blame mom for "not letting you see us"
But I guess that you forgot that you walked away first..
That I begged you to come visit, but you told me "no"
You made me feel like you didn't want me..
Like you don't love me.. Did I make you hate me??
If I did, I'm sorry.. I didn't mean it.
The 3rd apology would be from my older brother..
for everything he did and said to me and about me.
And again, there's a lot to unpack here..
Mostly for treating me like shit for my entire life!
He constantly bullied me at home,
Then played "the best big bro" at school or in public..
It made me sick.. why the act?
If you hate me, then just fucking hate me!
The 4th apology would be from Narcissist, N for short
Mr. N fooled my brothers and I at first..
After a while, the real him started to show..
He turned my childhood home into a house that I lived in.
Mom noticed, and she asked questions
But she didn't like the answers..
I was a ghost living in a house that used to be a home..
I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.. like I didn't fit
The final apology would be from myself..
Though I'm unsure if it's my past self or my future self
Probably my present self.. the one I'm cruellest to..
I hate myself without reason, and I don't care..
But I want to care.. I want to change..
I don't know where to begin because it runs deep
Straight through to my bones, and deep into my soul..
It burns through me like a wild fire.. and I can't put it out
I want more than anything to hear them say 'I'm sorry'
I want them to mean it with their heart and soul..
I wanna see the remorse and regret deep in their eyes
You don't need to tell me.. I already know, and it hurts
These are the apologies that I'll never get.
YOU ARE READING
The Hidden Darkness
PoetryI honestly don't know what to put here.. I decided to write a book, and so I wrote these poems. I know that they aren't very good, but at least I tried.. right?? 😅😅😅
