Boys Will Be Bugs

Chapter 58: Loss

Something about the astrology tower, which made everything feel slightly unreal, gave Remus the idea to reach his hand over to Sirius's, in the sense that it would be inconsequential. It had to be, because the psychedelic music surrounding them, mingling with the moonlight gave the impression that nothing really existed. And if nothing existed, then Remus could do whatever he wanted without worrying for once. He was in a dream, a hallucinatory state of being right now and Merlin's beard... he wanted to hold Sirius's hand.

He brushed his fingers against Sirius's, testing the waters, and when Sirius didn't respond, Remus took his friend's hand in his. He squeezed it tightly and closed his eyes. Sirius held on, returning the gesture.

Remus had been right, back in first year, around two years ago now. The only thing that made listening to Pink Floyd in an empty astrology tower at night better was holding the hand of his best friend. He didn't know if it was enough, though. Maybe it had been enough when he was younger, and he couldn't work out his feelings, but he knew his feelings now. Not entirely, not yet, but he wasn't lying to himself anymore. He didn't know how to approach things though, because it wasn't as if he knew Sirius's feelings. Sirius had been giving him mixed signals for so long now, and it was infuriatingly confusing. Remus just wanted to know where he stood by this point, but that involved bringing up questions that he didn't think Sirius wanted to ponder right now, or ever.

The record crackled to a stop and Remus heard Sirius breathe out, wordlessly encapsulating the experience. Remus was sad it was over, and that they had to soon come back down to reality. He didn't want to come back to reality, when the reality was so frightening it made him want to curl up into a ball and not speak a word to anyone.

"Do you want to head back?" asked Sirius, his voice sounding almost disembodied within the cracked, stone walls. Remus didn't, at all. But what else could they do? Lie there in silence? As tempting as it was, Sirius might have thought he was weird for suggesting it.

But... God. How long was Remus supposed to live like this, never knowing if Sirius felt the same way as he did? Sirius didn't protest when they held hands, and they were so close. They walked together in silence, and they hugged all the time, and they slept in each other's beds sometimes. He knew Sirius was lonely, he knew he was probably desperate for a lifetime of intimacy that he'd never received throughout his entire childhood, but at the same time... he couldn't keep playing with Remus's emotions like this. It hurt, and Remus was screaming at him mentally that he liked him, and he never heard it.

It wasn't Sirius's fault that he didn't know, of course, but Remus wanted to know what he'd do if he did know. At the same time, however, if Remus scared him off, then perhaps not telling him was the only option, if he wanted to at least remain close enough to hold hands. Remus could deal with the heartache if it meant he still got to be near Sirius, couldn't he?

But all he wanted to do was kiss him, just to try it, just to see if it would feel as good as Remus was imagining it to be. But as it stood, they would never reach that point. Not while Remus remained so scared at opening up. Sirius wouldn't hate him, would he? They'd already been through a lot together, Sirius wouldn't just cut him off entirely, right?

Sirius was walking in front of him, carrying the record player. The charm of the room still surrounded them, and Remus blamed it for the reason why he did what he did next. He lightly tugged at Sirius's sleeve, making Sirius turn around. Remus didn't immediately say anything.

"What?" Sirius prompted. Remus stepped closer.

"Please don't hate me, and please don't think I'm weird, but... can I kiss you?" Sirius stared at him, and judging by how he quickly shifted his weight underneath the record player, it seemed he had almost dropped it in surprise.