Boys Will Be Bugs

Chapter 123: Creek

Dear Sirius,

It's funny that no matter how angry I am at you (or maybe I'm not even angry anymore. I can't tell... I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything towards you right now, but anger is probably the closest) I still want to write to you. I don't want you to actually read these letters, because I suppose I like feeling as if I'm in control of the conversation. Is that selfish? Probably. I think I get to be selfish by this point, but maybe that's selfish too.

Anyway, I can't be angry right now, I'm just too happy. Do you know what it's like to spend the full moon with other wolves? It's the best feeling in the world. I can't describe it, but I remember waking up the next morning and bursting into tears because I realised that feeling had gone. That feeling of loneliness that I could never shake no matter how many people I was surrounded by. My wolf form finally had other wolves to spend time with, and I don't think it's ever been more ecstatic in its life. I'm not kidding! I obviously can't remember details, but I remember the feeling. I remember feeling like I was waking up, and I went crazy with all the new smells and the new environment, because obviously my wolf form hadn't experienced this place yet. I think I must have run for miles through the forest; I've never felt freer in my life! It might have been a mistake, though, because I've been exhausted ever since and there were moments were my cane wasn't even enough to help me stand up, so I've basically just been lying down ever since.

At the very least, it cemented in my mind that I belong here. It may have taken my human form a little time to settle in, but my wolf form fits in like a glove. I always did used to dream of running through these forests, ever since my mam took me here as a kid. I'm glad I finally lived out that dream, even if there's ever a point in the future where I don't get to experience it again. Is it just wishful thinking to imagine myself living here forever? To be honest, I think this place requires werewolves who are more in tune to their wild ways, because people live quite wildly here. Some residents don't even have homes; they survive by themselves in the forest, with only basic shelter in the winter.

Unfortunately, I can't pretend that I'm one of these people. I miss my records, if that isn't such a stupid thing to miss. I guess it's only to be expected, but it kinda sucks, you know? No matter where I am, there's always going to be a part of me that feels lonely. Perhaps I should just get used to it, but I'd like to at least spend a few more full moons here if that's possible. I hope it is. I always worry that there's just going to be something that stops me from staying here. I bet it'll be Dumbledore. I know he wants me to carry out his mission, but I don't want to. I don't want to be a spy. I want to just... be myself?

My friend (if he can be called that) doesn't want to stay here forever, although he loves his sheep too much to leave at the moment. I can understand that; my grandparents have been living on the same farm, raising generations of sheep for about fifty years, and they're not stopping anytime soon. It's a way of life, and it draws you in. I know Luke's miserable, though. He spends the full moons on his own. I don't think he considers himself a part of the pack at all. Except... well, I don't really know how it happened, but when I was in my wolf form last night, I sought him out. Perhaps somewhere in my memory I remembered him, which is odd, because I'm still not sure if I even like him or not.

I was with Emmeline, too. She was staying with us for the full moon, in Luke's house, because she didn't want Imogen to be too near a large pack of werewolves, and the farmhouse is more secure. Luke made the house really nice for her, and let Farne sleep on the sofa with her, which was sweet. He was really caring towards her, far more than towards anyone else, but she is a kid after all. Besides, they probably have a few things in common. He can only see out of one eye because he lost his other eye in the werewolf attack that turned him. I know it's not exactly the same as Imogen, but regardless, he was sweet.