Remus didn't speak for the rest of the car journey. He didn't want to speak. His thoughts were too loud, and nothing coherent could make its way through. He just listened to the hum of the engine as he stared fixedly at the road in front. There wasn't much to see outside; it was dark, and the countryside was sparse, so the only thing visible was the tarmac road underneath the car's headlights. Occasionally another car would drive past them, illuminating their faces. It was about as calm and quiet an environment as could be obtained in a situation like this, but all Remus felt was a crushing sense of dread.
His mum was going to die. That was a guarantee by now, and most likely soon. Within the next few days perhaps, hours even. He didn't know. He didn't want to believe it, and a part of him simply couldn't accept it, but he also couldn't be in denial any longer. Being in denial is what made him get complacent, what enabled him to forget to check on her every day and which took her being around for granted.
Remus had never experienced such grief before, despite the fact that his mother was still alive. It was simply the knowledge that she was about to die, and that he had to deal with the fact that he would never see her again, or talk to her again. And it all hit him, so hard it almost winded him. So many thoughts flashed through his mind, one after the other, of his entire life with her. He had heard about your own life flashing before your eyes before you die, but he hadn't counted on someone else's life flashing before his eyes before they died.
He saw himself as a child, with her always there by his side, reading to him, playing with him, cooking and baking and gardening, with him acting as her small helper. Even at the age of two he'd be toddling around after her wearing her sunhat that was too big for him and fell over his eyes. She'd laugh, take off the hat and stick a flower behind his ear.
When he was slightly older, and he had nightmares of Fenrir Greyback, she'd hold him in her arms and sing lullabies to him in Welsh, beautiful songs that kept all monsters away from him. And despite having no friends, or any interactions with kids his age, he didn't always feel lonely, because he knew he could just walk into the kitchen and help her with dinner, or paint pictures with her and excitedly watch as she'd stick them up on the fridge. He'd draw her cards for her birthday, because he couldn't buy anything himself, and he'd try and make her a present, even if it was some terrible, misshapen model out of brightly coloured, plasticine clay or a necklace made out of beads that was so long and ugly that it couldn't even be worn. But she always thanked him, and said the presents were perfect, and she'd wear the necklace, and display his cards and modelling clay designs on the mantelpiece, and he'd feel incredibly proud of himself.
She homeschooled him as well. She did so much for him, taught him all she knew, and helped him to read and write. She bought so many of the books that he loved so much, including the one that he'd picked out his name from. She'd used his name immediately, accepted him so readily, never for a moment made him feel wrong or out of place.
The last time they'd spent together, he'd come out to her. Again. It was almost as if they'd come full circle, but is that how he'd wanted it to end? How he wanted to be remembered? The permanent reminder that he was always going to struggle in life, that he would never be fully accepted by everyone around him. His mum knew that, she had always known that, from the moment he had started cutting his own hair with kitchen scissors, and she had been so determined for him to at least have one person in his life who would always accept him no matter what.
The last thing she'd said to him was "I love you". The last thing he'd said was "I love you, too." But he hadn't looked at her when he'd said it. He'd said it so casually, that he hadn't bothered to turn around as he'd left the house. Why hadn't he turned around? Why hadn't he looked at her one last time while she was still awake and smiling?
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Boys Will Be Bugs
Fanfiction[REUPLOAD] Remus Lupin has more than one secret, and there's no way of knowing who he can trust. All he has are his parents, but they can't protect him when he goes off to Hogwarts. But then Remus meets a boy and his two other friends, and soon real...
