Boys Will Be Bugs

Chapter 69: Peter Pan

CW// major dysphoria, internalised transphobia, mental health issues, self-harm and mentions of blood/bleeding. There's not too much, and this happens within the first section of the chapter (before the first line break).

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Marlene broke up with Sirius a few days later. As predicted, Sirius didn't take it well. He hung around James, Peter and Remus like a dark cloud, moping and sighing as if he were in Romeo & Juliet and mourning his lost love. Marlene, on the other hand, was completely fine. She went right back to spending all of her time with Dorcas, while Remus and James and Peter were left to pick up the pieces.

What Remus wanted to do was to tell Sirius to snap out of it, that Marlene had never really been into him and that he was making Hogwarts even more depressing than it already was, and– for good measure– that Remus knew he was simply proving a point anyway, so he might as well give up the act. However, Remus was trying to be a better friend, determined to prove himself wrong that he wasn't bad or selfish. So he sucked it up, and comforted Sirius as best he could.

"She wasn't right for you anyway, not as a girlfriend," said Remus, after Sirius spent another evening on the sofa wondering what went wrong. "She doesn't even want a boyfriend. It's nothing personal."

"But what if it is? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, you were fine."

"Bloody Nora, Sirius, just get over it," remarked Peter. "What do you even want a girlfriend for, anyway? That's boring."

"It's not!" Sirius defended. "We were perfect for each other!" James rolled his eyes.

"You weren't shit, you went out for like two weeks. The world isn't going to end, mate."

"But–"

"C'mon, Sirius, what did you even do with her that you can't just do as friends?" Remus asked. "All I ever saw you two do was sit together in class, and you already do that with us."

"Well, we... ." He trailed off. "We... I mean, we kissed a few times. That's what you do with a girlfriend." Remus resisted the urge to ask if Sirius had even enjoyed kissing her.

"Yeah, and?" prompted James.

"And what? Kissing's enough."

"Well, did you like it?" As it turned out, Remus didn't have to ask. James did it for him.

"Of course I liked it! Kissing's great, it's good, kissing Marlene was... great."

"There'll be other girls," concluded James. "You can kiss them." Remus looked over at Sirius, who looked even more miserable than he had at the beginning of the conversation. For once, talking with his friends hadn't helped at all.

Remus continued his extra classes each evening, sitting quietly with McGonagall, trying to write essays that actually made sense. He was improving slightly, but school overall was still becoming a struggle. He wasn't used to finding academia so difficult, so it was causing him to lose his temper more than he'd like to. He tried not to lash out at his friends, but he was feeling so isolated all the time and they weren't helping. They stayed with him in the library most of the time, keeping him motivated to study, and they still played and hung out and talked like they used to, but there had been a noticeable shift.

Perhaps it was Remus's fault. Kissing Sirius before the summer was turning into the biggest regret of his life. He didn't feel as close with Sirius anymore, which had been his biggest fear before the holidays. They never shared a bed anymore, they certainly never dared hold hands, they never even hugged each other these days. They talked, they laughed, they smiled, but that was about it. Sirius seemed more preoccupied nowadays anyway. Maintaining his friendships didn't seem like a priority anymore. At least, not a friendship with Remus. Sirius had latched himself onto James, which wasn't exactly out of the ordinary: James was his best friend after all, but at the same time, he was pushing Remus away. He kept his distance. They both lashed out at each other.