Boys Will Be Bugs

Chapter 64: Wake

Remus,

I'm sorry you're reading this, because I know what must have happened, and I know you're probably not taking it well at all. I know this is going to be hard for a while, and it's going to take time for you to feel normal again, but please promise me that you'll try your hardest to keep living your life. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay, I promise! But I know what you're like, I know you'll bottle up your feelings, and I know that it's just going to hurt you. Please don't let this hurt you.

I've loved being your mum for all these years, and I know I probably haven't been perfect. I didn't protect you enough when your dad and I were arguing, and perhaps I was too overbearing at times, but I think the only important thing for you to know is that I love you so much. That will never change.

I remember when you first started cutting your hair. When it first became obvious that you weren't a girl. I'll admit, I was terrified. I had no idea what you were feeling, or why you were feeling this way. I was almost tempted to stay in denial, because I didn't want to lose my daughter. But then you came downstairs wearing that dress just to try and stop your dad and I from arguing, and you looked so upset. It broke my heart, it really did. And I realised then that I never had a daughter to begin with, and the only thing that mattered was making sure you never had to feel like that again.

That's why I don't want this to hurt you too much. No matter what, I'm always going to be determined to make sure you're happy, and that goes for after I'm gone too. The world isn't always going to be accepting, and it would be naive of me to say that it won't be downright terrifying at times. Your future isn't going to be easy, but I'm confident you'll be okay. I'm confident you'll fight for it, because hopefully I've been able to raise you to fight for what you deserve. And no matter how your life ends up, no matter who you're with or what you do, I will be so proud of you.

I don't want to stop writing, believe me, but I feel like if I don't stop I'll just keep writing forever. There's so much to say, but I doubt any of it's important enough.

Keep an eye on your dad, yeah? He means well and I know he's stubborn, but he tries his best. He loves you too, and I love him as well. Our marriage broke apart, but I think it needed to. We were able to form a friendship over it, and I'm going to miss both of you so much.

Look after yourself, Remus. Stay safe, stay happy, stay being yourself. I love you so much.

– Mam

***

He had found the letter inside her bedside drawer. She must have put it there knowing that he'd enter her room eventually, though he was surprised at how she'd guessed that he'd open her drawer. He hadn't even meant to, he'd done it without even really thinking. He was still half asleep, and it took him a few seconds to register his name on the front of the envelope. He'd picked it up, and traced his finger across her handwriting. Obviously it had been written recently, judging by the shakiness of the writing. He didn't want to open it at first. He wasn't even quite sure if it were real, and he held it in his hand for a few minutes, staring at it. When he finally decided to open it, he read it through over and over again, reading her words until he'd almost had them memorised. He didn't notice the door opening behind him.

"Remus?" Remus didn't reply. He let his dad walk towards him and sit down on the bed. "Are you alright?" Remus handed him the letter in response, and he waited until Lyall had read it through. He soon heard his dad take in a shaky breath.

"I didn't know she'd written this," said Lyall eventually. Remus wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"It was in her drawer. I didn't mean to look."