unspeakable | jegulus

circular cages

chapter title: hey, who really cares by linda perhacs

cw: underage sexual content.

if you'd like, you can add:

'At Home' by Slow Pulp / 'Under My Skin' by NewDad / 'Sugarcube' by Yo La Tengo / 'All I Need' by Radiohead

to your queue >:)

"I think Sirius knows what I'm doing, or thinking. I swear he can see right through me."

"Is this really where you think we should talk?" They were in an empty corridor, caught between two classes. James made no effort to hide the stoniness he felt in his chest at the sight of her. He couldn't bring himself to care about his own apathy, though he knew he should. He knew he would have cared when he was still alive.

"I don't think you realize precisely how difficult it is to get you alone."

Despite the fact she'd told him the new Order met every Sunday, Lily didn't manage to find James alone again until Tuesday.

"So use someone else to communicate with me." James hardly resisted the impulse to roll his eyes. Any affection he'd let himself water for her had dried up and wilted inside of him. His heart was a forest of leafless trees. Today was a cold day. He was coming to realize he had them on occasion. Hot days, full of rage and poison, fire blazing in his blood, were more familiar to him – or warm and temperate days where he felt almost human – but he was growing used to having more and more days without a scrap of heat; days when ice ran through him in place of blood. He was made of nothing living. He was pink snow and tepid sunlight. "Snape, obviously. In my experience he's pretty easy to corner. He could tell me where to be."

"You want him to know about this?"

"He's my friend. I trust him. Maybe that's stupid, but I know for a fact he'd never hurt you, and you'd get hurt more than I would if the rest of our friends found out I still speak to you. They'd present it the way they present every part of our relationship in the past tense anyway. It would be your fault, always, because you're the mudblood. Nothing is ever my fault. People like me are never the ones that get ruined when something like this is the problem. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. Haven't you?" James smiled at her, something rabid and awful waking up inside him at the sight of the weakness he carved out of her so effortlessly. This was a game, and part of him wanted her to know it, but her obliviousness was its own sort of fun. How far can I go? How much can I get away with? Do you see me, Lily? Have you ever seen me, even once? "You're temptation, like a little devil trying to steal me away from my own kind."

"Do you feel tempted?" Lily treated him to a wide-eyed, playfully innocent look. James treated her to thinly veiled amusement and narrowed eyes.

"You came here with information, did you not?"

"Information..." A smile, a flash of perfect teeth. "Is that the real currency I have with you?"

"You have all kinds of currency." This was a bad spot for them to be in. Anyone could walk past and see them together. Rumours would hurt her a lot more than they'd hurt him, but they'd be irritating regardless. Whispers would require more sneakiness for both of them, more careful attention, more work, more time invested in toying with her on behalf of the boy she despised so much. James didn't want to think of her more than he had to. She needed to stop playing around and wasting his time. He spoke to her with warmth he couldn't feel. "You should probably tell me why you think Sirius knows what you're doing." And stop wasting my time.

"He got me alone when the meeting was over and told me I need to get myself a new boyfriend. It wasn't subtle."

"Yeah, that sounds like Sirius."