You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 9

Kate pov...

I am sitting at the kitchen counter feeling lost... Elliot had just walked out the door to get to work. No kiss... No goodbye... He had not even touched the breakfast i had made him... He has been distant and stand offish since i had lunch with Tara... Or maybe he has been pulling away from me since the whole Chris thing... But since my lunch with Tara, it is overly noticeable... 

I look around the kitchen feeling lost. I am thinking of something to do but can't think of anything. I had been so on edge myself that the whole house was spotless and i did not know what to do with myself now... There is nothing to clean... Nothing to tidy up... Everything is in its place... I feel like i am losing grip on everything... The last 3 days had been stressful. Elliot has not been himself. He has been agitated and on edge... He had had some outburst that scared me. The tension at home was just palpable... Even with him at work i could feel it... It makes me restless...

I sigh and rub my belly as my little boy starts to kick. I feel my tears come. I had been keeping it in for the last 3 days but now that i was alone i could let it out. I am scared. In the last 3 days Elliot had not once touched my belly. Not once had he asked about the baby. He didn't read to my belly before going to sleep anymore. I am scared because it feels like he is distancing himself from the baby... I dont know why... 

He was not happy i had lunch with Tara. I dont get it, he knows Tara. Tara has been over to the house before. We have had dinner with her and her husband before but ever since the whole Chris thing it was like being friends with Tara was a problem. I dont get it. I knew Tara before i knew Elliot. He got along great with her husband. We had many barbeques were Tyler and Elliot grilled while Tara and i just lounged with Tara's kids running around the yard. He had loved it and would come over to me every now and then for a kiss or cuddle. He would whisper that one day that would be our kids...

But now... He comes home late, smelling like booze and cigarettes and when i try to talk to him about it he snaps at me. The only excuse... He is blowing off some steam and i should stop whining. That not everyone had the luxury of being lazy all day. He had to work hard all day, so he was allowed to have a few beers after work... Yesterday i had slept in the guestroom because the smell of booze and cigarettes just made me sick. I dont even knew he had ever smoked... Maybe he picked it up as a new disgusting habit... He had not even asked why i had slept in the guestroom... He had just taken a shower in the morning and left for work. 

I am scared i am losing him... I am scared that WE are losing him. I dont want to have that feeling. But i dont recognize him anymore. He is pulling away from us... Maybe he has changed his mind... Maybe he does not want a family anymore... Or maybe he does not want it with me anymore. Is this what my life is going to be... Living together with a man who is not really here...

I sigh and walk to the nursery... The beautiful nursery the 2 of us put together. We had so much fun shopping for the baby. Elliot had been so excited especially after finding out we were going to have a boy... He was so proud putting it together... So excited to show me when he was done... There is no hint of that excitement anymore... I glide my fingers over the wood of the crib. I have a bad feeling about this room. I no longer feel happy here. The only thing i am feeling is anxious... 

I walk back to the living room and grab a book. I try to read to make time go by faster. I dont know why because i am dreading Elliot coming home. Scared of the state he will be in... I get comfortable and doze off...

In the evening i start on dinner. When it is done i set the table and sigh. I wait for Elliot to come home so we can have dinner together. He has not answered my texts from earlier. Once again, he did not come home like normal. I text him asking him if he will be home for dinner. I dont get an answer straight away. But after 30 minutes i get an eyeroll emoji with a no... That he is having dinner with some work friends... I just send him a thumbs up emoji back. I cry as i do so, but i dont have the energy for any other reaction... I dont have the energy to ask him why he is not coming home. Maybe i am just scared for his answer... Maybe that is why i haven't really pushed... 

After i eat alone i clean up... I dont bother saving him some dinner. I dont want to. I just throw his portion away... I take a long hot shower and when i am done i pamper myself. I do my nails, a face mask and just moisturize... I check the time. It is already late... He is even later than yesterday... I feel uneasy... I look at the bed. I dont want to sleep here not knowing in what state he will come back. 

So, i decide to sleep in the guestroom again. I take my pillow and some of my stuff and put it in the guestroom... Everything i need is now in here... I feel a little bit more at ease... As if this is becoming my safe space... God what is happening to my life...