You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 38

Kate pov...

We had arrived at the cemetery... I feel like a wreck. But i also really want to see the headstone... I just hope my legs won't give out... Chris had parked the car and i look out over all the headstones. I know the way, i have been here many times before. My little boy is buried next to my dad... That is a comforting thought... 

I had ordered a bear... The same bear i had bought the day i found out i was pregnant... The same bear that had been sitting in the crib waiting for my little boy to come home... The same bear Elliot had torn to shreds that day... The bear that was sitting in his crib would now be placed at his grave and it was killing me... The dream of a grown boy that smiled looking at a worn-out bear was gone... There would be no memories of him dragging the bear everywhere... There would only be memories of me placing it on his grave...

"Kate?" Chris says taking my hand in his. We haven't left the car yet... I know he is waiting for me to tell him i am ready... I dont know if i am... But i also know i will never be... Being here has dragged me back to reality... He is really gone...

I look at Chris who is looking back at me. I give him a soft smile... He has been amazing... We are taking it day by day and i realize that sometimes i did not think about everything that happened. I get that that is good thing... That it is meaning i am doing better, but it is making me feel guilty now... "Am i a bad person?" I ask him in a soft whisper... Chris looks at me shocked and squeezes my hand. "No... No... You are not... Why would you think that?" He asks and i feel tears run down my face...

"I feel guilty... I feel guilty for moving on..." I whisper and Chris takes my hand kissing the back of it... "I know, sweetheart... But you have nothing to feel guilty about... I know no matter what i say will take that feeling away.... But you did everything you could... Losing your baby was not your fault... But if you need us to take a step back so you can grieve... That is okay..." He says and i look at him with tears in my eyes... "What?" I ask and he kisses my hand again... "If i need to take a step back so you can properly grief, i am willing to do that... I will do anything for you, Kate..." He says and i can hear he is sincere but with a sad undertone... 

"I dont want that..." I whisper and take a deep breath. "Please dont do that..." I whisper and he smiles and kisses my hand again... "I won't... I will be here until you tell me to go..." He whispers and i smile... "I will never ask you to go..." I say barely audible but meaning it... I know it might not be fair but right now Chris is the only light in my life... He is the only thing that keeps me sane and gives me hope for the future... "Then i am here..." He whispers back and i kiss him... "I love you Kate... I might have been stupid in the past... But i never stopped loving you..." He says and he holds me as i start to cry... "Just never leave me again... I can't handle that..." I say softly, and he presses his forehead against mine... "I promise you... You and i... For as long as you want me... I will never leave you again... Ever..." He says and we both cry holding each other... 

People might think i am crazy, but i believe him. I really believe him... I might be a fool but i believe him. "I think i am ready..." I whisper and Chris nods... "Okay... Let's go and say hello to your little boy..." He whispers and in that moment i know i will make it... I just have to see it as saying hello... Maybe that will make it easier to bare...

Chris walks around the car and holds the door open for me. He takes my hand, and we make our way through the cemetery. Dodger struts along oblivious to where we are... Dodger is the little light in this dark day as he is just a happy go luck bouncy dog... He is such a good boy walking next to us... 

The closer we get to the grave the harder i find it to breath... My legs feel like Jello and i stumble a bit. Chris wraps his arm around my waist resting his hand on my hip holding me up... "I got you, sweetheart..." He whispers kissing my temple...