You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 48

Kate pov...

We are 3 weeks into our 6 weeks stay in Arizona. But due to the heat it will probably be 8 weeks and if needed maybe even longer. The heat was slowing them down. They were behind schedule, but nobody seemed phased by that. They wanted to get everything right and not overheat people. The director was very passionate about the project and rather took his time then overwork people and risk people passing out from the heat. 

My first day going to set was nerve wracking. The idea of being surrounded by people was suffocating at first... But it went better than expected. Everyone was really nice and respectful. After a few days i came out of my shell a little bit and Chris had introduced me to some people and to Sebastian. He is sweet and Chris and him together are hilarious. 2 grown children goofing off... I really like Seb. He is a gentle soul with a goofy side. He knew about me, what surprised me. Chris had turned bright red when Seb said this. Apparently, Chris had talked about me in the past... 

Seb would come to hang out with me every now and then between scenes and he was a nice person to talk to. Nothing to deep just chit chat. I had talked with Chris about it, asking if he felt comfortable with it. He had just laughed, kissed me and told me it was fine. That he was happy we were getting along... I just did not want him to think something was going on... I think my relationship with Elliot has more of an impact on me than i would like to admit. Elliot didnt like it when i had male friends. The more i thought about it the more i saw the faults in the relationship Elliot and i had... So, to have Chris not be worried and even encourage to hang out with Seb if i wanted to is a little weird... I like Seb and he is nice to hang out with and i could see us becoming friends but not if that would mess things up with Chris... I love Chris... I would not want to do anything to mess that up. But Chris assured me it was fine... So, i have to trust that it would not come back to bite me in the ass. 

The trailer was over the top, so luxurious and every chance Chris got he would hang out with me... That was not a lot to be honest. His schedule was busy, but to see him work and be in his element was amazing. I didn't visit the active set much as i did not want to be in the way. So, when he was working i was reading books, with Dodger cuddled up to me. Chris had bought me an E-reader and i loved it... I still prefer physical books more, but this was great. I did not have to go out and buy books... I could just buy them online and did not have to drag heavy books along. 

I was allowed to roam around set but i dont want to be in the way so i dont do that a lot. Only during lunch i would join Chris and Seb and hang out with the others. 

Everyone is nice and whatever i wanted i could get by asking Chris his assistant. Not that i did that. It felt weird to ask for things knowing i could do it myself. It is not like i am busy. In the morning i would take Dodger for a walk just outside of the set. In the afternoon i would be in the trailer in the AC as it was just so hot outside. I did not want Dodger to overheat or burn his paws. I had ordered doggy shoes for him, but he hated them. It was hilarious the first time i put them on him...  He walked around trying his best to get them off. Eventually he had just refused to walk with them on... So, we would only walk him in the morning and evening when it was still bearable outside. 

But today i did not feel like doing anything. For the last couple of days i had felt off... I was feeling sick and had been throwing up. I had not told Chris. I did not want him to be worried. I wanted him to focus on the movie they were shooting. I did not want people to think i am a distraction. From what i understood this movie could be his ticket to an Oscar and i was not going to be the one who stood in the way of that...

I did not want the director to get mad at him for screwing up. I did not want to be the reason this movie failed... For the first time since we got here i had called Chris his assistant to walk Dodger. He was happy to but was a bit hesitant when i asked him not to tell Chris as i did not want him distracted... Eventually he had promised and an hour later he came back with Dodger. The rest of the day was spent in the bedroom of the trailer sleeping, only getting out to throw up. 

In the evening it got a little better and i was grateful because once again i did not want Chris to worry. The next day was not much better. I manage to keep myself together until Chris had gone off to set before throwing up again... This went on for a couple of days. On day 4 i was sitting on the ground in the little bathroom of the trailer. I was annoyed. I just wanted this to be over. The last time i had felt so sick... "OMG... OMG... NO" I yell at myself... The last time i had been this sick and throwing up i was... "Pregnant..." I whisper as i feel the blood drain from my face and i manage just in time to hover over the toilet again and throw up... 

"No... It is not possible..." I murmur to myself after i had thrown up again. "The doctors said it was not possible..." I groan and hoist myself up to clean myself up. As i brush my teeth i look into the mirror... My mind is racing. It is not possible... The doctor said it was not possible... I am just having a stomach bug... I need to pull myself together as my mind is spiraling... I keep telling myself it is not possible... 

This goes on for a few more days. I throw up and try to convince myself that i am just having some sort of stomach bug... But the more time passes the harder it is to deny it might not be a stomach bug...  That and the fact that in the evening it seems to disappear. In some way i am grateful for it as it means that Chris is clueless. 

But the more the realization sets in the more scared i get. What if i am... What am i going to do... How am i going to tell Chris... How will he react. What if he thinks i tricked him... That i lied to him about what the doctor said. I had not... The doctor had said it... He might think i deceived him... That i tricked him to get pregnant... He will think i used him... I have not... I did not think i t was possible... The doctor said it was not possible... What if Chris will hate me... I can't loose him... 

I know i should do a test... It was the only way to know for sure... But i am scared for the answer... I am so scared. But above all i am scared to be pregnant... What if i am pregnant and loose the baby... I dont think i can survive that.