You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 20

Chris pov...

We walked back in silence. But the closer we got to Tara's place the more i could see the panic on her face... She had been kinda relaxed and Dodger had been a nice distraction as he kept bringing her leaves and sticks... It was like he was trying to cheer her up by bringing her gifts... 

But the closer we got to the house the better i could see her internal struggle... She started to walk slower as if she wanted to make the walk last as long as possible... It was hard to see her like this... Her hair was a mess... The sweatshirt she was wearing way to big and the sweatpants where dirty from sitting on the ground... It didn't matter to me, but it was just hard to see... 

But as soon as we reached the driveway Kate stopped walking... I look at her. She just looks so... Anxious and panicked as if going back into the house is her worse nightmare and maybe right now that is what it is... "It is going to be okay..." I say holding out my hand for her and she shakes her head... "I can't... I really can't..." She whispers tearing up again... Dodger sits down next to her and tilts his head looking at me... 

"Okay... You dont have to go inside..." I say still holding my hand out for her to take as she looks at me confused... I fish my car keys out of my pocket with my free hand and press the button to unlock my car... "I know you have no reason to... But do you think you can trust me?" I ask and she looks at my hand and then at my car before looking back at me... She hesitates for another second but puts her hand in mine... I give her a smile and on the inside i do a little victory dance...

I lead her to my car and open the passenger door for her... She looks at me with big doe eyes and i give her a small smile... "It will be okay..." I say and she gives me a little nod before getting in... I open the back door to let Dodger in and close the door again... He immediately appears between the front seats and looks out with his goofy dog smile, wagging his tail. 

"I am going to pop into the house really quick... To get some of your stuff and tell Tara you are with me... Okay?" I say and she slowly nods still looking at me with big eyes... "Please... Dont disappear again... Can you promise me that...?" I ask a little anxious about leaving her here all alone... She slowly nods again looking a little dazed as if she is not sure about all this... 

I close the door and resist the urge to lock it before walking up to the house...

Kate pov...

I didn't know where i was going... I just walked out... I had finally got the chance... Tyler had taken the kids out for the day... Tara had gone to the store... I love Tara... I love Tyler and i love their kids but every day it was getting harder to breathe... Every day hearing the kids run around squealing and laughing was like a knife being pushed in farther... I know i was not being fair. The fact i had lost my baby did not mean that other people's lives did not go on... But i was hard... It was hard hearing them have the perfect family life knowing that it had been taken away from me... 

I felt more and more like i could not breathe and when i heard Tara drive off i just got up and walked out of the house... I did not know where i was going... I just started to walk... I dont know what my plan was but the further i got away from the house and the further i got away from people, the more i felt like i could breathe again... 

I should have known it was Chris who would find me at that open spot in the forest... It was kind of poetic actually... It had been our spot... I still remember when we found it... We had laid in the grass just being lazy and enjoying the sun all day abandoning our hiking plans... After our split i had not been back here anymore... 

He had put a jacket around me before sitting down... His dog was running around...I had pulled his jacket tighter around me as i was cold... I had been honest when he asked me if i was planning on hurting myself... I dont know why... He had pleaded with me not to... I had not said anything to that as i could not make that promise...

I dont know why i opened up to him... I would have thought that Chris was the last person i would open up to, but the dam had burst and i had just held onto him crying... His words were comforting... I had admitted to him that i failed... That i failed my baby... That i failed to protect him. That i was a horrible person... Not only for failing my baby but for resenting Tara's happy family... I had not said it in those words but that is what it all came down to... I did not want to resent them... But i could not help it... 

Chris had just held me tight telling me it would all be okay... His words were a little comforting even if i did not believe him. How would it ever be okay again, my baby was gone... He told me it was not my fault as he held me, rocking me back and forth soothing me... Comforting me and strangely it worked... I calmed down...  He was the last person i thought would be able to get me to calm down... It was a little confusing... 

He managed to talk me into going back but the closer we got to the house the more i dragged my feet... His dog was so sweet bringing me things and i used it to slow us down... But the real dread set in when i saw the house... I could not do it... I could not... It led to me now sitting in Chris his car... I was not sure about this... He had asked me to trust him and i dont know why... But i did... Or maybe i am just that desperate... Desperate enough to not go back in again... I pet Dodger who is nudging me wagging his tail and he looks like he has a big smile on his face... 

He made me promise to not walk away again... I lean back in the seat and let out a sigh... I felt guilty... Tara had been so sweet and caring and part of me felt ungrateful and like a monster... But i could not do it... The idea of going back in and being around her kids... Hearing them laugh and have fun as a family... It just hurt... Maybe Chris was right... Maybe i was mourning the idea of the family i thought i would have... I just knew that being around that was not what i could handle right now... I just hoped Tara would understand and not be too angry with me... It was not my intention to scare them... I just needed to breathe... Besides, i was being a burden to Tara and her family... Their life was going on while mine stood still and it was not fair to be the dark cloud in their happy family... 

I sink further down in the seat as i feel exhaustion set in... I am still wearing Chris his jacket and pull it tighter around me as i am cold... I am struggling to keep my eyes open... I am so tired... So, so tired... Dodger nudges me and i hum... "I am just going to rest my eyes for a little bit sweetie..." I hum as i close them and make myself comfortable...