You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 49

Kate pov...

"Do you mind if i stay home tomorrow..." I ask Chris as we are laying on the couch after a long day on set. Chris is half asleep. His head is in my lap as i am running my hands through his hair. Chris had a headache and i had been massaging his temple in an attempt to get rid of it... I always used to do that when we were together the first time... He still seems to enjoy it... 

Chris opens his eyes and looks at me worried... "Why...? Did something happen on set?" He asks looking so worried... "No... Nothing happened..." I lie and try to smile as if nothing is wrong... "I was thinking of going into town... Do some shopping..." I lie again... I hate myself... I hate myself for lying. But i am scared... Scared to tell him... I am so scared... I had almost told him last night but chickened out at the last minute and just had fucked his brains out making him forgot that i wanted to talk about something. 

I think he knows something is up, he keeps asking if i am okay and i keep telling him i am fine. God i am terrible... I am a horrible human being. I dont know why but i can't tell him... He is going to hate me... He is going to think i tricked him... He is going to think i used him to get pregnant... Chris is going to leave me, and he will hate me... He will leave me... And if i am pregnant he will leave me to raise the baby alone... I can't blame him though... I think i would think the same... I mean, a few weeks ago i told him to not worry about protection... That i could not get pregnant and here i was... Pretty sure i am pregnant. 

The more time passed the surer i was. I feel exactly the same when i was pregnant with Simon... My little boy... God i even feel guilty towards him... It felt like i was replacing him... All these feelings were driving me crazy and i was not even sure i was pregnant yet. Part of me did not want to do a test... I would find out soon enough... But if i am pregnant, i owe it to my baby to do everything i can to keep him or her safe... The fear of losing another baby is paralizing. I am scared... Scared to lose another baby and if i am pregnant i need to know so i dont do anything to jeopardize this pregnancy... 

"If you really want to stay here... I won't stop you..." Chris whispers looking sad and i feel my heart break... He looks defeated... I think he thinks i am pulling back... It could not be further from the truth... The last few weeks were amazing... I love him so much... Even if i had not said it to him yet, i do... Some people would say i am with him because he represents a time i was happy... A time were everything was simpler... That it might be a trauma response... But they are wrong... I love him... I know some people dont believe me when i said i had forgiven him for the past... But i did... The past was the past and i can see he has grown... He has matured and i believe him when he said he would always be there for me... So why am i so scared to tell him i might be pregnant... If i was so sure he had grown up, i should not be scared to tell him i might be pregnant... But i can't explain it... This has nothing to do with our past... This is about the here and now... I had told him i could not get pregnant... And yet... Here we are... 

"Chris..." I whisper breaking the deafening silence... "Hmmmm...." He hums as i am still running my hands through his hair, my nails lightly scraping his scalp... "I love you... You know..." I whisper and his eyes pop open and he looks at me stunned... I give him a soft smile and i can feel myself starting to blush. I lean down and press my lips on his. 

"I love you to..." He whispers with tears in his eyes and i feel myself tear up to... "Oh please, sweetheart... Dont cry..." He whispers and i feel him wipe a tear away with his thumb. "Sorry it took me so long to say it..." I whisper and he shakes his head. "It is okay, sweetheart... I understand... You might not have said it, but i felt it..." He whispers and i can't control my emotions anymore and start to cry... Chris sits up and pulls me in his arms... "It is okay sweetheart... It really is okay... I love you so much..." He whispers while holding me. 

He holds me for a while and i cling onto him knowing it will probably be one of the last times he will hold me like this. "You want to tell me what is going on with you?" He whispers and i hold him a little tighter. "Kate?" He whispers as i dont know what to say... I can't tell him... I want to, but i can't find the words... At least not until i am sure... Yes, that is it... I just need to know for sure first... 

"Nothing is going on... Just tired... Just need a day... Please dont be mad..." I whisper, and he moves me cupping my face and stares into my eyes... "I am not mad, sweetheart... If you need a day, that is okay... Just... God i dont want to be overbearing... But please dont do something stupid..." He whispers and i give him a soft smile... "I won't, i promise you... Just want a relaxing day... Maybe get out for a bit..." I whisper and Chris takes a deep breath. "Okay... Just... Text me every now and then..." He whispers and i nod... "It is nothing you, or anyone else did... I just..." I start to say and Chris kisses me to shut me up... "You need to do something for you..." He says and i feel another tear running down my cheek. 

God i feel awful... I am horrible... I am trash... A piece of shit... But i need to know for sure... I can't tell him... God what am i going to do if i am pregnant... How am i going to tell him... He will hate me... He will leave me... Chris kisses my tears away whispering that it is okay to want to do something for me... This breaks me even more... Here i am... Lying to him and he is being so sweet and caring... 

That night i barely slept... Chris was wrapped around me. It was like even in his sleep he knew something was wrong. In the morning i had made him breakfast. I could see Chris was still worried and was hesitant on leaving me here alone... So, i kept a brave face. I put a smile on my face and just kissed him... We ate together... Well i had force myself to eat knowing i will throw it up as soon as he had left... I walked him to the waiting car. Every morning, we were picked up by a driver. There was a car at the house we could use but a driver was arranged, and it was nice as Chris was always tired after a long day of filming and could barely keep his eyes open. 

As soon as the car had disappeared out of view and i had seen the gate close i ran to the bathroom and threw up my breakfast. I had managed to keep it together until he was gone... I had become good at that... When i was done i texted Chris wishing him a good day and that i already missed him... Which was the truth... I cleaned myself up, took a shower and gotten dressed... As i stand in front of the mirror i sigh... Are my boobs bigger? Are my pants tighter? Or am i going insane... Surely it could not be... I can't be that far along... At most i am going to be 6 weeks pregnant... I am just going insane... Seeing things that are not there. 

I take a deep breath and do my hair in braid. I walk to the garage and press the button for the garage door. I grab the keys out of the lock box and 15 minutes later i drive out of the gate... I had looked up drugstores in the area yesterday. There is one about 40 minutes from here. 

I follow the GPS and let it lead me... My nerves are shot as i walk down the aisle looking for the pregnancy tests... I feel like everyone is looking at me... Like it is written on my forehead... Checking if i am pregnant with Chris Evans's baby... I groan as i had not even thought about that... What would happen if people found out... Not only about our relationship but the fact i might be pregnant with his baby... Chris is America's golden boy and i know if the news would get out, they would all go crazy...  When i finally have found them i buy a few of different brands checking out at the self-checkout... I rush out of the store, clutching the paper bag in my hand. I am shaking and it takes me 4 tries to get into the car again... I miss my exit driving back and i curse myself for being so distracted.  I curse myself for having to take a detour home and wasting time. But eventually i make it back at the house...

But now that i am sitting on the bed, i am a mess... I can't pee... I am on water bottle number 4 but my body is not cooperating... But then finally i have the urge to pee and make my way to the bathroom... I am shaking as i pee in a cup... I have 4 tests and plan on using all of them... I need to know for sure... I prepare them and then it is a 5-minute wait... A looooong 5 minutes...