You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 50

Kate pov...

5 minutes feel like 5 hours... I am pacing up and down the bedroom... God why did i ask Chris to take Dodger with him. I could use some Dodger cuddles right now. I smile as i imagine Dodger following me up and down the room thinking it was a game... But no... I am alone because i lied and said i wanted to do some shopping... I am awful... I am truly an awful human being...

I sigh and sit down on the bed putting my head in my hands... All these thoughts run through my mind. Thoughts of how to tell Chris if i am pregnant... Thoughts of how he will react... I want to think he would be happy... But those thoughts always get pushed away by thoughts of him being angry... Yelling at me that i tricked him... Tricked him in getting me pregnant... I would not blame him if he thought that... 

What if he wants me to abort it... "I can't do that... I can't... I can't... I can't..." I whisper to myself over and over again as tears stream down my face... The thought alone makes me sick... I can't lose another baby... I just can't... Then my alarm goes off telling me it is time to check. I take a deep breath... A very deep breath... I walk towards the bathroom but stop in the doorway... I am nervous... I feel like stepping over the threshold will put my whole life upside down yet again... I had just gotten comfortable and thinking about the future was no longer depressing... I was finally feeling a little happiness again. I did not dread waking up in the morning anymore... But now... Now i dont know... I dont know what the future holds... If i am pregnant, i kind of know what will come... But how it will play out exactly is a mystery... Chris could tell me to go away... That i am disgusting... That i am a horrible human being... I try to tell myself that he won't. That he will be happy... But i just can't convince myself of that... 

I thought Elliot was happy we were going to have a baby... I know it are different circumstances... For one, this is biologically Chris his baby... Simon was from a donor... Not biological Elliot's... I know one thing... I can't trust my judgement... I thought Elliot was happy until it was too late... It cost me my baby... 

"Stop it... Stop working yourself up and just check... You dont even know if you are pregnant for sure..." I scold myself. I take another deep breath and step into the bathroom... I hesitantly walk toward the bathroom counter as if there is a bomb on it... I have my eyes closed... God i am ridiculous... I take a deep breath and try to hype myself up... I finally open my eyes and look down...

There they are... All 4 tests... I slap my hand in front of my mouth and i start to cry... Really cry... I hold onto the bathroom counter as my legs are shaking. I stare through my tears at the tests... all 4 positive... They are really all positive... There is not one that either says not pregnant or nothing... I tighten my grip on the counter. I am scared that my legs will give out... In front of me 4 positive tests... Positive... They are all obviously positive... There is no denying it anymore... What i deep down already knew is confirmed... I am pregnant... I am really pregnant... All of a sudden, a surge of nausea hits me and i run to the toilet and throw up... 

When i finally am done i sigh and sit against the wall... I am pregnant... I am really pregnant... I want to be happy about this... Part of me is... But a bigger part is scared... For Chris his reaction... For losing the baby... For possibly having to do it all alone... Having a baby and losing Chris in the process is a scary thought... I need to check again as i just can't believe it... I hoist myself up and walk to the counter... But there is no denying it... 4 positive tests... All 4 are positive... So, there is really no denying it... 

I sigh and gather them up... I put them in my toiletry bag... I am scared to throw them away and Chris taking out the garbage will find them. I am pregnant... I am really pregnant... The doctor was wrong... But what else is new... When it comes to me, they never seem to be able to get it right. 

I look in the mirror and sigh... I am pregnant... I can't believe it... A baby... I take a deep breath before brushing my teeth... But as i walk out of the bathroom i feel lost... I have to tell Chris... I just dont know how... I am so scared... I told myself i will tell him when i knew for sure... But now i am not so sure... I need to think this through... What if he gets mad... I need a plan... I need a plan for when he does not take the news to well... I need a place to go when things get out of hand...

I get angry at myself for thinking like this... Chris is not Elliot... But this little voice in the back of my head says i can't risk it. I put my head on my stomach... I will protect this baby at all costs... That is for sure... I will not let another baby being taken from me... "I am pregnant..." I whisper to myself... For the first time a small smile appears on my face... "A baby..." I whisper and the tears come... But this time they are happy tears... It is possible... 

But my smile disappears again as i get pulled back to reality... I dont know what to do... I dont know how to tell him... I just dont know... All i know is that i am scared... Scared for his reaction, scared for how he will take the news. Scared that i might lose him... I love him... I had told him yesterday for the first time... I just needed him to know that i loved him... Even if it would be the last time... I did not want this to end without him hearing the physical words from me... Or maybe that was me being awful again... Maybe i told him just so he would not leave me when i would tell him... I just tell myself, even if it all ends i have told him i loved him... I know it will kill me if it is over between us... But i have to be strong for my baby... I have to come up with a plan for that... To make sure that no matter what, i can give my baby the best life... I need to do everything to protect my baby...