You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 19

Chris pov...

"I just needed to breathe..." She says gasping for air and starts sobbing Dodger is all over her and i pull him to my side as he starts to get rowdy... It hurts to see her like this and i dont know what to do... I dont know what to say... I hesitantly do the only thing i can and put my arm around her... She immediately clings onto me sobbing... She buries her head in my chest and i can feel my shirt go wet from her tears but i dont care... I wrap my other arm around her and hold her tight... 

"It is okay... Let it all out..." I whisper and i automatically kiss the top of her head... "I can't breathe... I can't breathe..." She says wailing... "It is okay... It is okay..." I whisper rocking her back and forth as she just cries... She cries so hard, and it is heartbreaking to hear... I bite back my own tears as hearing her is getting to me...

I just let her cry while holding her. She shows no sign that she is uncomfortable and wants me to let go so i dont... If she wants me to hold her forever i will... "I want my baby... I just want my baby..." She says sobbing and i tighten my grip on her and kiss the top of her head again... "I know sweetheart... I know and if i could i would give you your baby back..." I whisper my own tears now breaking through... "I am so sorry sweetheart... I am so, so sorry..." I whisper... 

After a while she calms down a little bit... But she does not let go... Her grip on me has not relaxed as she clings onto me... "I am a terrible person..." She whispers and i kiss the top of her head again... "You are not..." I whisper and she pulls back again... "I am... I really am... It is all my fault... I should have protected my baby..." She whispers and the look on her face shows me she means it... i sigh and push a strain of hair behind her ear... I cup her face and make her look at me... "It is not your fault... It is his fault... You did nothing wrong..." I say and she cries again and i pull her back in my arms... 

"It is not your fault... It is his fault... He did this... You did nothing wrong... Please dont blame yourself..." I whisper over and over again rocking her back and forth... "I should have left... I should have known... I should have known he was spiraling..." She says sobbing... "Sweetheart... No matter what... He had no right to lay hands on you... He could have just left... He would be an asshole, but you and your baby would be fine... Violence is never the answer... What he did is unforgivable and has nothing to do with you... It was all him..." I say and hold her even tighter because thinking about that gives me heart palpitations... The idea alone gives me anxiety and i know it doesn't make sense as i lost her once already due to my stupidity... But still...

But it is not about me right now... In this case it will never about me... I just keep reassuring her that it is not her fault but i am happy she is talking as i understood from Tara that she had not said a word about what happened to anyone... That is a good thing right...? A step in the right direction... 

We sit there for a while in silence... But it is getting colder as the sun goes down... "We should go back. It is getting too cold out here and it will be dark soon. Not to mention that Tara and Tyler are worried..." I whisper and Kate holds me tighter... "I can't... I really can't... I dont want to go back... I can't breathe there..." She whispers and i take in a deep breath as she is shaking her head and shivering... "I know i sound ungrateful... Tara is trying so hard to be there for me and all i can think is how much i dont want to be there..." She whispers...

"Why not sweetheart... I think it is not good for you to be alone..." I whisper hoping she does not want to go home because i dont think she is able to, nor do i think it is smart to go back to the place where it happened... Not only for the mental tole it would take on her but what if he shows up there... What if that bastard comes back to look for her and she is alone... Vulnerable... She sighs... "Please dont make me say it... I feel so horrible for thinking like this..." She whispers... "It might be good to get it off your chest... Maybe we can talk to Tara to see what we can do to make it easier for you..." I say and she shakes her head... "It's the kids..." She says in a soft whisper barely audible...  "The kids?" I ask and it sinks in...

"I know i am being horrible... But hearing them run around... Laugh... Play... Basically doing everything that kids do... It hurts... God i am a monster... I know i am..." She says and starts to cry again... God we never thought about that... Tara's kids are of course not babies anymore... But they are still young and they dont understand what Kate is going through...

"I feel horrible... I love those kids... I really do... But right now..." She says but does not finish her sentence... "Right now, it is too painful... That does not make you a horrible human being..." I say and she looks up at me... "I am not?" She asks and i smile and kiss her forehead... "No sweetheart... You are not only grieving the loss of your baby... You are grieving what you thought your future would be..." I whisper and she cuddles into me again... 

"Will the pain ever stop...?" She asks and i take in a sharp breath... "I dont think it will fully go away... But i think it will not always hurt like this..." I quickly add as i am scared to push her in the self-destruction way... 

"Kate... We all love you... We can't imagine our life without you... Please dont leave us..." I whisper pleading with her, but she does not answer... "We will find a solution... But let's go back, now that it is still light..." I whisper and she sighs... "Okay..." She mumbles...

"So, this is the famous Dodger..." Kate says after i had pulled her on her feet... I smile and nod as he walks over to her hearing his name... "He is cute... Such a sweet boy..." She whispers and she gives him some attention. For a split second i see her smile... Progress... I think to myself before we start to walk back...