You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 16

Kate pov...

We follow the man through a hallway. Not much had changed since i said goodbye to my dad here... I see some of the people who work here standing to the side... But then i see him... Behind them in the shadows... Chris... And all of a sudden it makes sense... He knew... He knew my dad was buried here because he helped me back then with all the arrangements... 

All of a sudden it makes sense... He has done this... Or at least had a hand in it... Our eyes meet and he gives me a little nod and i stumble... I want to say something but i dont get the chance as the man starts talking... "Before the memorial starts, i was told you wanted some time so you can say goodbye in private..." The man says in his soft-spoken tone... He opens the door and Tara and Lisa walk me inside... I am still a little stunned that Chris is here... Why... I have not been kind to him... But he... Did he do all this? 

But every thought of Chris quickly disappears as i look ahead and see a little coffin surrounded by flowers and candles... Tara and Lisa want to keep walking but i stop...

I shrug them off as they both were holding an arm of mine... They let me go and i stumble forward... It is hard to breathe as i walk towards the little coffin... My little boy... My little boy is in there... It is so unfair... Tears stream down my face as i reach him... I hesitantly put my hand on the little light blue coffin...  It is real... He is really dead... As i put my hand on the coffin my legs give out and i sink down while for the first time i start to sob uncontrollably... I press my forehead against the cold material... "It is not fair... I am so sorry... It is not fair..." I sob... I feel a hand on my back and i shake it off...

"Please leave me alone..." I say...  "Sweetheart..." I hear Tara say her voice wavering. I shake my head... "Please leave me alone..." I whisper as i just want to be alone with my little boy... "Okay... We will be right outside..." She says and i hear them all leave... 

I take a deep breath as i hear the door close... Finally, i am alone... Finally, alone... "I am so sorry... I am sorry i could not protect you... I am sorry you dont get to grow up in the wonderful boy i knew you were going to be... I love you so much and saying goodbye to you hurts... It hurts so bad... I wanted you so bad... God i wanted you... More than anything in my life... I am sorry i did not get to say goodbye... I am sorry you were alone in your last moments on this god-awful place... I am so sorry... You deserve so much better... I hope that wherever you are that you are not in pain... Oh god you were in pain... I am sorry... I am sorry... I am sorry... I am sorry..." I keep saying over and over again as i am just sobbing... I can finally fully cry... I can finally let it all out... 

I haven't heard the door open and i jump as i feel a hand on my shoulder... "Kate..." I hear Tara say but i shrug her off... "Leave me alone... I just want to be alone... I just want to be alone with my baby... I want my baby...." I sob and she kneels down beside me... She pulls me into a hug and i cling onto her... "It is not fair... I want my baby... I just want my baby... Please... I want my baby..." I say hysterically crying... "I know... I know... I wish i could give you your baby sweetheart... But he is gone... I am sorry... He is in a better place..." She says stroking my hair as she holds me tight... 

"I am so sorry... I should have protected him... It is all my fault..." I sob and i feel Tara take a deep breath... "Sweetheart... It is not your fault..." Tara whispers and i cry even harder...

"Yes, it is... It is my fault... I should have left sooner... I should have known he was losing it... I should have known... I should have seen it... I should have protected my baby... I didn't protect my baby... I might as well have killed him myself... I killed my baby... I let him... It is my fault..." I say hysterically crying... 

"Kate... No one could have seen this coming... It is not your fault... You hear me... It is not your fault..." She says cupping my face forcing me to look at her making me cry even harder... "I should have... It is my fault... It is my fault..." I whisper and Tara just tells me it is not but i know it is... After sitting there for a while, she asks if i am ready to start the little memorial... Even if i am not i just nod... I will never be ready... 

We stand up and Tara fixes her dress... I dont bother with mine... I dont care... I simply dont care about anything anymore... "I am going to let them know we can proceed... Is that okay?" She asks and i nod...

After she comes back the memorial starts... Like Tara said there are not a lot of people... Tara, Lisa, some other people i know... Maybe 10 people are here... I dont care... I am just looking at my little boy... I am not really listening as a pastor says a few words... Something about my baby being called back to God... That God had other plans for him... I scoff a little as i find it bullshit... But i refrain myself from standing up and yelling that god is selfish for taking my baby... My faith is shaken, i never was super religious but i did believe in God... Part of me did... But now... Now not anymore... I think... Do i believe in heaven?  I dont know... But i hope so as i hope my little boy is there...

The music starts to play... Small bump - by Ed Sheeran... It breaks me again... The song is beautiful and i just cry... Tara says a few words... I am not listening... I just look at the little casket while tears run down my cheek... It is really over... He is really gone... Then the last song starts to play... Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton... I start to sob... If there is a heaven, i know my little boy is there... I just hope he is with my dad, so he is not alone... 

When the little memorial is done, we walk behind my little boy as he is being carried outside... We follow him and when i see where he is being buried i break down all over again... Next to my dad... I barely manage to keep it together as he gets lowered into the ground while we watch on... 

When it is all said and done and everyone leaves, i turn to Tara... "Can you give me a moment... I will meet you at the car..." I whisper and she nods... I look up and see Chris stand to the side... Our eyes meet and i give him a little nod... Mouthing thank you to him... I know this is all his doing... I knew for sure when i saw he was being buried next to my dad... He gives me a little nod back... He does not move... I walk over to the grave and look down at the little casket now in the ground... I grab a hand full of sand and take a deep breath... "I will see you soon my angel..." I say before throwing the sand in the grave... "Really soon..." I say wiping my tears and taking a deep breath before standing up and walking to the car hoping my legs will not give out...