You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 77

Kate pov...

I stare at a sleeping Chris... He is softly snoring... He looks so peaceful. He is perfect... Even in his sleep he is gorgeous. It is almost ridiculous how handsome he is. I hope our little boy will look like him. I hope he will be sweet, compassionate, caring, funny, goofy and passionate like Chris. If he looks like his father, he will be amazing. I should be the luckiest woman on earth to have a son that is part Chris. I sigh as i keep looking at Chris who is still in a deep sleep... He is even smiling in his sleep... He is over the moon...  I sigh again... Ah boy... We are having a boy... A little Chris... 

I take a deep breath. I feel a wave of sadness wash over me again. I feel terrible... I feel like a fraud. I feel Ever since we were told we are having a boy i feel conflicted. Chris is over the moon. He had been talking about boy names ever since we had gotten home. I had put a smile on my face and tried my best to engage in the conversation. I dont understand myself. I should be over the moon... But i was just putting up a farce... It is not that i am not happy... Our boy is healthy, and everything is good and for that i am thankful and happy. 

But there is this little voice in the back of my head... It is telling me that i dont deserve my little boy... That i am not supposed to be happy about it being a boy... It feels like i am replacing Simon and i know it is ridiculous but i feel guilty... I hate that i feel that way. I should be over the moon. On cloud nine... I should be grateful that he is healthy and that the pregnancy is going great so far... Still... There is this sadness within me...

I know it is wrong... But part of me had hoped for a girl... I think it would have felt different. God i am a monster... Why am i feeling like this? What is wrong with me. My life is wonderful. I have this amazing, caring man... A loving mother-in-law who embraces me with open arms... Chris his brother and sisters are amazing...  A little boy on the way. I have everything i dreamed of in life... A family... And then some... But i can't bring myself to be fully happy... It is eating at me to a point i can't sleep... I am scared... So scared that i will project the loss of my first baby boy on this baby boy... I dont want to be that kind of a mother... A mother that will make her living kid feel like he has to compete with a dead sibling he has never known... 

"Sweetheart... What is wrong... Can't sleep?" A soft voice says snapping me out of my little spiral... I look up and Chris is awake looking at me with worry in his eyes... I fight my tears as i stare into his eyes... "No... Nothing is wrong..." I manage to croak out and plaster a fake smile on my face... Chris sighs and wraps his arms around me pulling me into him... "Sweetheart... I know something is on your mind... It is okay... Whatever it is... You can tell me... When you're ready... You can tell me... No pressure, no judgement..." He whispers and kisses the top of my head.  

I close my eyes and snuggle into him more his arms around me tightening their grip... I take a deep breath again, taking in his scent. I want to tell him, but i am scared. Scared he will see me for the monster i am. Scared he will hate me. How could he not. I AM a monster. 

"Nothing is wrong..." I whisper again holding him a little tighter to. Right then and there i decide to call my therapist tomorrow to make an emergency appointment. Because i know i have to deal with this. I have to deal with it before our little one is born. It is not fair to our little boy for me to feel like this. He needs to come into this world feeling fully loved and wanted... Because he is... It is not that i dont want, or love him... I am just struggling with the loss of my first baby... Somehow hearing it was a boy brought back the pain of losing him all over again... I need someone to help me deal with this. 

I dont think Chris can help me with this. I dont think he is the right person to help me with this. He will resent me. He will hate me for feeling like this. I can't risk losing him again. It will destroy me. He will leave me and take our baby as soon as he is born. I love this baby. I really do, i know it sounds weird. Because i am not fully happy. But i do love him. I am just messed up in my head. Something is wrong with me and i need to deal with it... For my little boy's sake... I have to fight these negative feelings before they destroy everything i love. Maybe i am going crazy. Maybe i finally are losing my marbles. 

Maybe it is best if Chris leaves me and takes our little boy with him after he is born. Maybe that is for the best. Maybe i am not fit to be a mother anymore. Maybe too much has happened for me to be a good mother. I can't do that to my little boy. I feel tears streaming down my face and a sob escapes me. Chris holds me a little tighter again, not saying anything but he just lets me cry... He lets me cry it out while comforting me. Tomorrow i am going to deal with this... But for now, all i can do is cry.