You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 15

Kate pov...

Lisa and Kate are helping me get dressed... I was told that today i was going to say goodbye to my little boy, Simon... I had named him Simon... It was not a name Elliot and i had picked out. The name we did pick disgusted me and i could not bear to have my boy being called the name i had picked with Elliot... So i picked the one i liked and Elliot had not agreed on... Simon... I dont know why i had loved that name so much but i did... So, when Tara had asked if i had a name for my little boy, i told her Simon...  Simon Reed... He was getting my last name... I loved it but it also made me sad because i would never see him grow up... Simon Reed would never become a man... He will always be a little boy... My heart broke over and over again as i thought about the fact that i never get to hold him... I would never see him smile... Hear his first word... I would never see him take his first steps... I would never have firsts with him... 

I dont want to say goodbye... I just want my little boy back... But that is never going to happen... He is gone... He is really gone... Tears are running down my face as i am getting put in a black dress... Lisa asked me if i was comfortable in the dress... I had just nodded... But i wouldn't have cared if i was not... I could be wearing sweatpants for all i cared...  

I have no clue what is going to happen. I have no clue what the memorial is going to be... I have no clue what has been arranged... I had no hand in it as i did not want to say goodbye... I can't seem to pull myself together... If Tara was not here i dont know what state i would be in. Tara forces me to eat... She forces me to drink... I just can't bring myself to do so... I dont see the point... I just want life to be over... 

How am i going to go on knowing my little boy is dead and it is all my fault...  Tara talks to me even when i dont answer... She has never left my side for long... She talks with the doctors for me... She handles everything as i just can't... I dont have the strength anymore... Lisa had stopped by, and she has held me for a long time... Now she is helping me get dressed... Apparently, she is going to come to the memorial... I was told there would not be a lot of people. That reassures me a little bit as i dont think i can be around people right now... Maybe it is the shame i am feeling, the shame of not being able to protect my baby... For believing that i could have it all... That i could have a happy family... 

I know after the memorial i am going to Tara's house... I am not looking forward to that as her kids will be there. But i dont think i have a choice... I know i am only getting discharged if i have a place to go where i am not alone... I know i am a horrible human being but the idea of seeing her kids fills me with dread... But i dont want to go home either... I never want to go back to that place... 

God i just want to disappear... I just want to go somewhere where there are no people... I know Tara means well and i love her for it. I dont want to be ungrateful but i just want to yell at her to stop... I want people to stop... I just want to be alone...  "Okay sweetheart... Now all we have to do is put on your shoes..." Lisa says as she hands me these big black sunglasses... My face is still a mess but i dont put them on... I dont care... I just sit down still crying... I can't stop the tears... I am not making a sound... I am not sobbing but the tears keep coming. "I have a purse for you with a lot of tissues in it..." Tara says holding up a little black bag... She pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear... She had done my hair... It is pinned up... It hurts... But the hurt is nothing compared to the hurt in my heart...

About an hour later i am sitting in the back of this big SUV with blacked out windows on the way to God knows where. I dont ask... I am looking out the window. Tara is sitting next to me, and Lisa is sitting in the front next to the driver... But after driving for a little while i recognize where we are... The cemetery where my dad is buried... I look at Tara and wonder how... because i dont think she knows that... She gives me a little smile and i look out again... The car pulls up to the little building were i also said goodbye to my dad and the door opens... "Ms. Reed..." A man says holding out his hand for me and i hesitate for a second... He gives me a friendly sympathetic smile... 

I hesitantly put my hand in his and he helps me step out the car... "I am so sorry for your loss Ms. Reed..." The man says and i give him a quick nod trying not to break down... My legs feel shaky and i am thankful as Tara joins me and links our arms together... "Whenever you are ready, sweetheart..." She says as i look at the door of the building... I know as i step foot inside it will become real... My baby is in there and i have to say goodbye to him... I never got to say hello... How can i say goodbye when i never got to say hello... 

"I dont think i can do this..." I say not to anyone in particular... "Yes, you can sweetheart..." Lisa says joining me and Tara... "Your little boy deserves a beautiful goodbye... You need to say goodbye..." Lisa says and i take a deep breath as tears stream down my face... "Okay..." I say my voice shaky as we start to walk to the front door...