You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 12 (Trigger warning...)

Kate pov...

"I am so sorry Kate..." Tara whispers holding me as she is lying next to me in the hospital bed. I dont answer. I am just numb... I am so numb... The doctors had just left. Apparently i have been out for 18 hours... 

"Kate, what happened...? Can you please tell me what happened..." Tara whispers. I say nothing. I can't find the words...  Thinking back alone, hurts. I dont feel like speaking. I did not talk to the doctors when they asked questions when i woke up. I did not react when they updated me about everything that happened...  I did not talk to the female doctor they brought in thinking that would put me more at ease. Nor did i talk to the senior nurse they thought would help me as she had this mother like quality... I did not react when they told me what happened when i was out... I just lay here feeling numb as Tara lays next to me holding me tight. 

I just lay here feeling numb thinking about how it all could go so wrong... How did i manage to let it get this far... All i can see is the fury in Elliot's eyes. It haunts me as i have never seen him like this nor did i thing he was capable of this... He had come home from work late... Again... But this time other than the smell of booze and cigarettes there was lipstick on his collar... He had just scoffed when i confronted him about it. 

He was drunk and just laughed when i asked him if he cheated. He mocked me, called me names and degraded me... He told me he did... That i should get over it... What did i expect now that i was pregnant and no longer attractive... He had his needs and i was in no state to satisfy them... How could i expect him to find me attractive enough when i looked like a fat whale... A fat whale that was pregnant with a bastard...  It was a shock. This was not my Elliot. This was a stranger... My Elliot was sweet, caring and kind... This was not my Elliot... Or was it and had i been too blind to see... God i am such a fool... 

But the mocking was nothing compared to what he did when i walked to the bedroom and tried to pack a bag. I had had enough. I was not going to stay with someone who was calling me names, cheated on me while i was carrying our baby... When he asked what i was doing i told him so... He lost it... He went between mocking me and blaming me for it all. Everything was apparently my fault. But i knew i really had to get out of there when he said it was not our baby...

I was just in shock by that, and it made it really clear to me i had to leave... So, i just kept packing telling him i was leaving. He lost it... I did not see the first blow coming... I fell to the ground, and he just went in on me... Yelling that the leach i was carrying had ruined us... That he knew that the baby would be the end of us, and he was going to fix it... How he could ever love something that was not his... 

I remember trying to scramble to get away... I dont know how i got away... I know that it took a few tries but i finally managed to get away from him. I managed to grab my car keys and make it to the car stumbling. I managed to lock the car door just in time before Elliot reached me... He tried to break the window. He tried to get into the car but i managed to drive off... I dont know how i ended up at Tara's... I dont remember driving there... I vaguely remember it was not Tara opening the door but Chris. Everything after that is vague... 

The next thing i remember is waking up in a bright hospital bed and the pain... So much pain... I knew something was wrong immediately... I could not feel my baby... I knew it before the doctor broke the news to me... In the 18 hours i had been out i had lost the baby... My baby was gone... My little boy... My little innocent boy had been born and had not survived... Born at 25 weeks he had not been strong enough. The doctors apologized over and over again telling me they tried everything they could. They had moved heaven and earth to safe him but to no avail... He had not been strong enough yet to survive... The physical pain was nothing to the pain i was feeling now... My heart... My heart is broken and i dont think it can ever be repaired...

My little boy had died and i had not even been able to say goodbye... I failed... I failed to protect him... I failed as a mother... He was not even born and i failed him. I failed to protect him... Worse i failed to protect him from what supposed to be his father... 

Tears run down my cheek as i cry silently... Not a sound is leaving me... That is how numb i am... I lost everything and i dont know how to go on from this... How am i going to be able to move on with my life knowing that my baby had died, and it is all my fault... I was not able to protect him. The one job i had as i was carrying him i could not do. I had not been able to protect him... I should have waited until Elliot had fallen asleep... I should not have poked the bear... Then i would have gotten away unscathed and my baby would still be alive... The baby i wanted so bad... The baby i love so much... The baby we went so much through to get was gone... My little boy... God my little boy is gone... I am a horrible person... A horrible mother... I am a failure... I have no one to blame but myself... I killed my baby...

I should have left the first time Elliot got home drunk... I should have known it would not have end well... But i did not want to believe it as we were so happy when we got the news i was pregnant... I thought Elliot was happy... He seemed happy... Always so proud... Always rubbing my belly... Always caring for me, always reading to the baby... Until a few weeks ago live was good... We were happy... Weren't we? Where did it go so wrong... Did i miss the signs... Had my view been clouded by the baby blue cloud... 

All i can do is cry... Silently cry... I just want the pain to stop... I want my baby back... "Please i want my baby back..." I whisper and Tara holds me tighter... She does not say a word. What is there to say... There is nothing left to say... I just want this all to be over... I wish i had died with my baby... Why am i still alive when my baby had died... What is the point... "I want my baby..." Is all i whisper over and over again...