You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 30

Kate pov...

I am at Chris's house for a week now...It has gone with ups and downs... My emotions are still up and down... The more i feel at ease the more the emotions come to the surface. It is hard... I dread the day which would have been my due date... I am scared... Scared i will break down again... Scared i can't handle it... I have been improving... I am up... The fact that the house is quiet and just... free from chaos is really helping... I feel comfortable coming out of bed... I think it has helped that i am not in bed all day anymore... My face is getting better... The bruises on my body are starting to fade... Soon there will be no proof of what happened to me other than my broken heart and the fact i dont have my baby...

Chris has been amazing... He comforts me when i cry... Cheers me up and even makes me laugh... Sometimes i feel guilty about laughing which makes me cry again but then Chris is there to hold me... We go on walks with Dodger... It is nice... We dont talk much on those walks but it is nice to get out and take in some fresh air and nature... 

We have movie marathons... Or watch TV shows... Cuddled up, which is really nice... I feel comfortable and safe in his arms... I forgave him for the past... Seeing him cry and break down over it made me realize that he had not only hurt me... He has hurt himself that day to... Whatever it is... It is in the past... Maybe people will wonder how i could ever forgive him for leaving me when i needed him most... I dont know... Again, we were both so young... I see a different Chris now... A more mature Chris... Still a goofball but more mature when it counts... I love watching him play with Dodger... It is nice to hear him talk over the phone to people... He is not allowing people over and when i told him i felt guilty about it he told me not to worry about it... That it was okay... He loved the peace and quiet to... I love hearing him play piano... He had persuaded me to join him... So now Chris is teaching me to play piano which i like very much... I am really bad at it though... But it is fun and distracting which is nice...

Yesterday was a really rough day... My work called asking me when i came back... I was at a loss for words as i still had some time off... But apparently... No baby... No time off anymore... I had been so distraught... I had just shut down crying... I was so ashamed as i had never hung up the phone and my manager had heard everything... Chris had walked in and found me like that... 

I was crying so much and started to panic at the idea of getting back to work and being around people that would expect me to have a baby... Or who would ask a lot of questions about what happened... I dont know what happened after that exactly as i had just been a mess but after some harsh words from Chris to my manager, he had quit on my behave... 

When i had finally calmed down the realization had set in that i no longer had a job and that made me panic again. Even though i did not feel like going back i needed that job... I have some savings and all but that would eventually run out... When i started to stammer about that Chris just hugged me and told me not to worry about it... That i should focus on healing first and that he would take care of everything... I protested... I really did, but he would not hear it... 

It ended with me making my resignation official... I send them my resignation letter, letting them know i was resigning immediately... I told Chris that as soon as i was feeling up to it i would find a new job as i did not want to free load off of him... He just told me to not worry and take all the time i need... It still feels a bit uncomfortable so i was going to look into selling the house so i have more wiggle room financial wise... Maybe in the future buy a little house for myself... I am not looking forward to it though as it means i have to deal with a whole mess seeing as the house is in both mine and Elliot's name... 

I need to know where i stand and what i can legally do... He has not been found yet... Although i had not been able to talk to the police they seem to have gone forward with the evidence they did have... The idea of looking into that is terrifying but i know that i can't hold off on it forever... I am never going back to that house again... I dont want anything that is in that house... It will all remind me of what happened... I dont know what to do with all my stuff, all i know is that i dont want it... 

Not today... I can't today... I dont have the mental capacity for it today... So, i had just installed myself on the couch. I was just sitting in silence under the blankets cuddled up with Dodger... The couch is still in bed style... We had not bothered to put the couch back in its original set up... All the pillows and blankets were still on the couch... I just loved it... It was so comfortable... 

Chris walks into the living room. He had been in his office all morning and i wondered what it was all about but i did not want to pry... He looks a little tense... "Hey... Want to watch a movie with me?" I ask a little unsure as i can't put my finger on his mood... He looks at me the tension leaving his face and he nods... I open the blanket, and he dives in making me smile as he cuddles up to me pulling me closer... Dodger just huffs, stands up circles a few times before lying down again... 

"Are you okay...?" I ask as he nuzzles into me holding me tight... "Yeah... Just work stuff..." He sighs... "I thought you still had a few months off..." I whisper feeling my anxiety level rise... He hums... "I have... But i got an offer for a movie... I turned it down, but they keep pestering me about it... Apparently, they really want me, and it is a once in a lifetime chance..." He mumbles...

I feel my heart drop... Guilt is eating me alive... I am sure he has said no because of me... I am ruining his career... "Chris..." I sigh...