Youforia [N.H]

44

Trigger warning: mention of abuse.

Aycie Locke

July 26th, Miami.

Normality is something I'm finding very hard to adjust to but it's something I crave.

It seems that most days either have something really amazing happen or something terrible happen and I find it hard to keep up with so these last few days have been nice.

It's been normal.

We woke up after after that night we all got completely wasted and the whole day was spent with everyone sat around the sofas or in their beds with possibly the worst hangovers of their life.

At least it definitely was the worst one of my life, but it's only my second one.

Apart from that, after my week of writing non stop we had spent a lot of time learning the new songs and they helped me adjust a few lines to their likings as well as practice the ones I'd been working on the most that already had some music composed for them.

Dare I mention that I might go ring shopping to propose to my new guitar?

I'm worried Niall's been getting jealous over the amount of love and affection I've been giving her.

Some days have been easier than others, it always depends on how distracted I can keep myself. If my brain isn't entertained or preoccupied for more than twenty minutes it's like a timer goes off and that horrible feeling washes over me again.

It might just start with me thinking of the things he said, then I remember the fear I felt and then the panic.

The longer I stay zoned out the more I seem to shut down. It's strange because I can feel myself slipping when it happens but I can't seem to draw myself out.

It's like trying to scream when you're underwater, or trying to run away from monsters in your dream when you're being chased.

Luckily for me I'm normally glued to Niall's side and he's glued to mine, it's like he has a sixth sense for when something not right and he proves to be one of the only things that can get me out of my head.

What I struggle to understand the most is how all of this resurfaced two months after it happened, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I know I was able to push it down and forget it for the most part but you'd think that after this much time it would be a lot easier to confront now than it would of been when it first happened.

But honestly I think it's worse now, it's like the longer I left it stew around deep inside my brain, the more it grew.

And I think that's why I'm not as angry as Niall as i should be. Even though the way he went around the problem was really fucked up, he proved his point.

If I had let this sit for god knows how long, it would have grown to be a problem i don't know how I'd live with. This has already been so fucking hard to cope with on a day-to-day basis and just the thought of it being any worse seems impossible.

I also think I got the worst of it out of the way the week I didn't leave our bedroom. I thought about every detail of that night so intensely when I trapped myself in those four walls that my little zone outs feel like nothing compared that.

Kinda like I made myself feel the worst I possibly could so now I've been numbed to the pain thinking about it for those few minutes give me now.

Niall being the teddy bear he is has made a routine of kissing me from head to toe the second we wake up. Normally it's how I wake up actually, with a kiss to my forehead. He'd kiss all across my shoulders and then my chest, down my abdomen and all the way down my legs to my ankles.