Youforia [N.H]

52

Niall Horan

August 9th, Indianapolis.

"The person you have called is una-"

"Fucks sake!" I shout and throw my phone at the wall for the tenth time today.

She asked me to call her, so why has she never picked up the phone?

Today's taken me by surprise.

I planned to keep my head down and get through it, just pretend everything was normal.

But I woke up and immediately noticed how dark I felt.

It was like this day was waiting for me, the sky for the first time this whole tour is dark and cloudy, it's been raining and everything's gone wrong.

I woke up with Aycie but she was quickly stolen away from me when her grandma phoned her.

So I got up to go and get dressed, trying to ignore that scary pit in my stomach that was reminding me what day it was.

I put on all my clothes backwards two times around until I almost lost my shit, luckily I got it right on the third try.

Aycie got dressed separately and I went back to bed and laid down on the bed, sitting there silently not knowing what I was meant to do.

And then I started spiralling, by trying not to think about it all I could do was think about it.

I got back under the comforter and turned onto my side, staring out of the window as I succumbed and let myself feel the extents to the pain the memories brought back.

I found that I wanted to feel it, I bet Darla was in enough pain when I left, the least I can do is let myself feel like shit today and think about what I did.

After only five minutes of me staring out the window in a daze the bend sunk beside me where Aycie furrowed her eyebrows at me.

"What's wrong Niall?" She asked quietly and laid down with me and I simply shook my head, not wanting to break the thoughts I had running through my brain by breaking my silence.

"Talk to me" she urged me and I gave her a pleading look as I shook my head again and stared back out the window and leaned my head down on the pillow for comfort.

"Not your day today?" She frowned and ran a hand through my hair and I shook my head again, blinking once as I admired the grey clouds in the sky.

I think I'm glad that it was gloomy today.

She laid down with her back to me and I put my arm over her and rested my face against her back as I kept staring out the window, replaying that twenty minutes in my mind. That twenty minutes where everything went wrong, where everything was ruined.

No one knows it was me who fully paralysed my uncle from the neck down.

I checked the news every ten minutes after I arrived at England using free WiFi from coffee shops I bought a bottle of water in.

'Local Mulingar man, Daffid Horan,   paralysed from the waist down after being attacked by a hooded individual, who broke into his brothers house at family barbecue'

They covered me up. I don't know why, I don't want to know why.

I'm nothing to them now, I'm evil, I can't be fixed, I have no skills or talents, I have no job or no friends, I'm nothing and I never will be anything. I'll die alone, I'm insane, I'm mental, I need help, I'm not part of that family, I'm not my dad's son anymore.

I'm unloveable.

I want to say I proved them wrong but it feels wrong to let myself think that.