Youforia [N.H]

29

Niall Horan

30th June, Phoenix.

Today I found myself walking through a store, I was meant to be grabbing drinks and snacks for everyone. I filled a basket with numerous bottles of liquor, bags of skittles and I guess 'potato chips' since I'm in America now.

But I had an urge driving me to a different isle of the store, and I couldn't help but spontaneously buy myself a notebook.

I've been beating myself up about it because I strictly don't write or talk about emotions or feelings, all I'm ever used to feeling is angry or big headed when I'm on stage, but ever since Aycie walked into my life she's forced herself into my heart and it feels like she's melting it.

I guess you could say whatever the opposite of corrupting someone is, is what she's doing to me, and I have so many things I've wanted to talk about with her but I find myself biting my tongue and holding them back.

I want to tell her how much I feel like obsessed with her, but I know that will just sound creepy, but I want her to know how beautiful I find her freckles, or the colours in her eyes, and that god damn pink tint on her cheeks when I say anything remotely suggestive to her.

She folds so quickly and it drives me insane, it makes me want to play around with it because I know I can so easily get a reaction from her, but I don't want to scare her.

I also want to tell her how sweet she is, how undeniably caring and thoughtful she treats everyone, like when she gave Zayn that piece of sheet music for his song because he never gets to play our songs on piano, he was so happy about that and still is, but I don't think she realises just how much we appreciate her.

She's made all of our lives so much easier, she just asks what we want a song to be about and In the next week she'll work so hard to make something we all love.

One of my biggest fears going into this tour was that we'd be stuck with a commercial song writer that gives us songs that are what the fans want, not us.

When I started this band it's what got me through one of the hardest years of my life, and being able to create that family feeling was so important to me, so if we were put under management that controlled everything from what we wore to the songs we sung, it wouldn't feel like a family anymore, we'd just be a group of boys putting on a front to please the public.

So Aycie was basically giving us all a voice to make music that came from our own hearts and memories, and she did it so fucking well.

It feels like she's everything I've ever needed, and I want to give her everything I can back.

So I plan to just write about everything I think now instead of fucking things up by wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I'm also a little scared.

There's a small part of me screaming at me to not let myself have this, to go and get blackout drunk every night and start fights, to hookup with random girls everyday and be as self destructive as possible, smoke and do whatever drugs at random clubs and drown all my feelings out with blasting music and strobe lights, I crave it.

And I'm trying so hard to hold back, I'm trying so, so hard.

It's easier when she's right next to me because I always forget about everything else around me, but when I'm alone all I want to do is find the nearest bar, get drunk and be an asshole to someone so i can have a reason to start a fight, fighting has felt like the only way to express my anger for as long as i can remember.