Youforia [N.H]

42

Aycie Locke

July 23rd, Miami.

Niall is like that person I wished for as a kid, he's the type of person I went to sleep thinking about. I wished for someone who would simply pick me up when I fell too far, mr father always told me to pick myself up so I knew it couldn't be him but sometimes I just really need someone to push me and get me back on my feet, as long as I can get my head out of the water I can give my body enough oxygen to stop drowning. Now I feel like I'm steadily treading water but I still know I'm miles away from shore, my old self feels so far away but I've only been gone a week.

I can't even explain to myself how I fell so far last week, I didn't even bother trying to stop it from happening and after seeing how upset Niall was I'd never felt worse about myself in my life.

But it's hard, I'd been pushing that night way to the back of my mind for good reason, I knew it'd be a disaster if or when I had to think about it. I can't get his voice saying those crude things made to scare me out of my head, they make me feel so disgusting. Niall had told me countless times that I'm not and I do believe him, I don't think I'm dirty or disgusting but it feels like a physical feeling. My body feels tainted and I hate that I'm the owner of it.

Listening to music at ridiculous volumes seemed to help get his voice out of my head, music writing helped distract me, Niall made me feel validated, Harry made me laugh even when it's the last thing I thought I'd be able to do. Summer has made me feel a lot less alone. She came to me one day and we talked about things, she told me a little about her experience after she assured me it's in her past now, that it doesn't hurt her anymore. I told her about how horrible I felt, she told me she used to feel just like this, but she also told me the feeling will go away. That one morning I'll wake up and realise I haven't thought about it in a while, and that when that moment comes I know I'll be getting better. That's the first bit of hope I felt all week.

I also have a need to keep apologising. I feel guilty that people have to see me hurting myself the way I am, I don't want to drag them down with me, sometimes I wish they'd just forget about me so I could let myself go. The pain gets to the point where it not only mentally hurts but it physically hurts, it's like being so stressed that you have a sharp buzzing tension in your head that you'd do anything to get rid of, sometimes painkillers help but it always comes back. I can't escape it day or night, the nightmares have become so much more realistic and it's like reliving the night.

I thought that starving my body from the thing it needed to survive I'd be able to get to the point where I'd be able to go without anyone knowing my plan. But Niall had thought in ways I hadn't, he came in my room acting all happy like nothing was wrong and it made me feel a little less guilty, I thought that he wasn't as sad as he seemed to be. It made me feel a little more normal as well, I craved normality in my life right now, I want people to treat me like they always have.

He dragged me into the bathroom where i sat outside the shower, he talked about things we normally would talk about and it made me realise how much i missed just doing simple things like showering with him, the stupid jokes he'd make and the reminder of how comfortable we were with each other. I didn't want to lose that part of myself.

After a lot of persuasion he got me stood right outside the shower where he stood with a funny Mohawk. I felt safe in his clothes, his scent constantly stopped me from smelling the other man's cologne, Its one of the only senses I had complete control of when I wore his sweatshirt. I was able to use his cologne on my skin though, I think I wouldn't have been able to do it without that.

I avoided looking at my body at all, I didn't want to see the damage I'd done and the thought that Niall could see it was haunting me for hours afterwards.