Youforia [N.H]

63

Niall Horan

25th August, New York.

I don't know why I did it.

I don't know why the fuck I'd do that.

Why did I do that?

One second my head was fucking dazed from how close I felt with her, how much she said she loves me and I felt so happy.

And then it all just started switching.

As soon as the mention of her mother came up I just felt this awful shadow in my head telling me to let her go.

If you love her let her go right?

I took that saying out of proportion.

But did I? Deep down I know I'm going to do something stupid one day, I'll get into a fight and I won't make it out and she'll be crushed, something will happen to her and I'll get angry at the world for treating her like this and I'll do something that scares her.

I scared her so fucking much, she was terrified, she was fucking curled up in a ball with her hands on her ears, her body shaking but I thought I was doing a good thing.

I though I was ripping the bandaid off, getting it over with so it would hurt less than if it happened years down the line, but I don't get why I fucking thought doing that was suitable at all.

I'm no better than her mother.

I didn't feel drunk at all until whatever came over me did, I didn't feel like myself at all it felt like something else was controlling me, I was screaming at myself not to scare her but it never felt like it was up to me.

I can't blame this on anything but myself, I was drunk but it was me, I did that to her.

God- why did I do something so fucking stupid, why the hell did I do that?

How is she going to forgive me this time? She's been so patient with me in understanding that I've got fucking problems, she never once made me feel bad for the fights I've gotten in since we got here but she's never been right in the middle of it.

She did absolutely nothing, she did fuck all, why did I fucking do that to her?

The last thing I remember last night is blacking out on the bed.

I've drunk way more than I have last night before without blacking out.

Has my tolerance weakened or something? I don't drink as much as I used to.

Did they put something in my drink?

I woke up and I thought it was all a dream, but with the absence of her by my side and my locked bathroom door Im sure it's not.

She's been in there for hours, it's ten in the morning, she doesn't have dry clothes in there, she was wearing soaking wet, freezing cold ones, she's going to be freezing, she's going to get sick.

I tried knocking but there's no answer, I'm worried but I don't want to scare her any more than I have.

I just want to give her a hug and tell her it's okay, even though I'm the one that hurt her, I'm always the one that comforts her.

She doesn't even have Gus in there, she has to be terrified.

I've waited and waited for her to come out in her own time, I've been sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands staring at the floor cursing myself out and trying to think of why I'd do something so stupid.