Youforia [N.H]

32

Niall Horan

I've never been more stumped in my whole life.

Right now I have the most incredible girl In front of me asking the one question I avoid at all costs.

It isn't even a question it's a request, she just wants to know more about me and I can't blame her for that.

But I know barely anything about myself.

Growing up my entire life has revolved about me getting into fights every week, all anyone's ever told me is that I have a temper that I need to learn how to control.

No one ever told me if I was good at something, never praised me; so how am I even meant to know what I'm good at? I don't know if I can draw, if I can play sports, if I can cook, I don't even know if I'm actually handsome like Aycie said I was.

How was I even meant to know if I were any good at them anyway because I never got the chance to learn, and I always thought that fame made people look better than they actually were, so I could just be living a lie for all I know.

I'd be ungrounded and maybe after a few days being in school some little prick would wind me up until I couldn't take it anymore. Im convinced they did it on purpose because they wanted me to get in trouble. I'd be grounded again within a day, sent to my room, sometimes without dinner depending on how bad I was, and I'd just play guitar all night. That's really the only thing I know I'm good at, guitar, nobody can take that away from me.

I was such an easy target, but that's my fault, all I had to do was not lash out like I always did.

But it's just so impossible, I always tried so hard, I let kids steal all my things, I let them trip me up on the yard, and I'd let them call me names, laugh at me and steal my work but i'd just bite my tongue and bare it.

But I had my limits, I let all the moments build up until I snapped and got violent, and I'd always throw the first punch, therefore I was always the one in trouble.

My friends never stuck up for me either, sometimes I'd wonder why they were even friends with me, I only dragged them down all the time, everyone else seemed to hate me and everyone that associated with me.

A part of me wanted to shout at them and make them hate me so they could break free from my imaginary shackles, be popular and befriend the rest of the class, but I could never get myself to do it, I desperately didn't want to be alone.

I don't think I could ever be alone.

So now what am I meant to say to Aycie, someone who has these amazing talents, she can play music, she can sing, she can write songs, she can play guitar, she cooks amazing food, she's the most beautiful girl and she's so fucking smart and creative, she can make me laugh and she can make me feel a lot of other things too.

"The only thing that I know about myself is that I'm violent, and you don't deserve me, I'm only going to end up hurting you like I hurt everyone else in my life"

Well fuck.

I know I can't say that, just like I couldn't bring myself to lose my friends, I can't bring myself to lose her. I'm very aware that this makes me one of the most selfish assholes on planet earth, but this person is the only one that's felt like what home used to feel like when I was a little kid, before everything got complicated.