Youforia [N.H]

54

Niall Horan

10th August, Indianapolis.

I love my girlfriend.

My girlfriend loves me too.

If I told that to any random stranger it wouldn't be a big deal at all, but this is a really big deal to me, my girlfriend loves me, I'm loveable.

I spent my whole life thinking I was unloveable, my family were never the 'I love you' type, it was confusing though because my parent said it to my sister.

No ones ever told me they loved me before, until Aycie did, about seven hours ago now but I'm so stuck in hearing her saying it that if feels like I've not physically or emotionally left that moment.

I can't believe someone said they loved me, truly loved me, and they meant it. And for some reason it's the most perfect angel on earth who was the one to say it to me.

Love doesn't cut it, I need another word, a bigger word. I want to give her all the words in the world and even make up my own to show her so that she could see that there isn't enough combinations of letters for me to tell her how much I love her, im trying to think of how I can get her to know but nothing is enough. I can't hold her close enough, I can't kiss her hard enough, it's been driving me a little crazy.

I can't get enough of her, if I'm apart for twenty minutes I start missing her like she's been gone for a year. As long as I can just see her I feel like nothing can go wrong, she's like a lullaby in the back of my mind all day. When I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm getting dressed, when I'm eating breakfast or taking a shower, when I'm on stage and when I go to sleep, I have her voice in the back of my head like the most beautiful song, getting me to do the best in everything I do, I just want to be so good for her and is am to impress her and show her what she does to me.

When I see her in the concerts I put my whole heart into my performance, in the mornings and at night I brush my teeth for an extra minute, when I'm getting dressed I think about what she'd think was handsome, when I sleep I try and hold her as tight as I can.

I don't care if Harry calls it 'going soft'.

I I've waited my whole life for someone that loved me, I've waited for someone who lets me prove to them how good I can be and I've waited for them to notice, Aycie always notices. She tells me that I was amazing after concerts and she tells me in the most handsome boy, when I smile at her after brushing my teeth she gives me a big thumbs up and at night she always shuffles as close as she can in my hold with a little satisfactory hum that lets me know I'm doing good.

Why did I do what I did yesterday when I had her right by my side.

What I did wasn't good at all, and I knew straight after.

But I don't think I could have ever stopped it from happening, even if I wanted to. My mind was a haze yesterday, I remember what it felt like, it was that empty dark feeling and I it's impossible to escape.

I never intended for it to go this far though.

I expected a few hits, some kicks and some shit talk.

I didn't expect to have any ounce of mobility beaten out of me before being forced into doing a metric ton of laced hard drugs.

What's bad though is that I know that if I knew that when my head was the way it was yesterday, I still would have done it.

I wouldn't do it now though.