Youforia [N.H]

11

Niall Horan

Today was the day of the first concert, I was full of energy as I prepared myself, I was jumping around the stage with my guitar, as we did sound check, all the stage directors had to shout at us to keep us under control as we kept running around and joking with each other, but what did they expect? We were teenagers on tour in America for the first time, of course we'd be acting up.

I woke up this morning with only a small headache. I think we kicked the tour off pretty well last night, it wasn't anything too insane but it was perfect, i got to just chill out and have fun with what I consider to be my family now. It's been hard the last year having to leave my home unwillingly and go no contact with my biological family I spent the entirety of my life with but it was their decision, not mine, so i held spite in my heart which made it hurt less because at least I was thinking about how angry it made me rather than how much it upset me. I'm already used to the feeling of anger, I'm not used to sadness so I avoid it as much as possible.

Even Aycie started to feel like home, she looked after us all, making sure we were eating and sleeping well, but I wouldn't tell her or the band that. I have an image to hold up. A lot of the fans have decided to call me and Harry 'frat Niall and frat Harry' and honestly I loved the attention, I could drown myself in the love they gave us but it also boosted my ego to dangerous levels, but hey at least I'm self aware.

One moment of last night had been repeating in my head all day, it was an image of Aycie looking up into my eyes. It surprised me a lot when she didn't look away, she always looked everywhere else on someone's face to avoid their eyes but last night she just kept her gaze on me. I was able to capture the small details in her eyes for once, there was a dark blue circle around the circumference of her iris' that faded into an dull grey background, but there were little rings of bright green and cyan that swam through them, completely contrasting the grey, it looked impossible, like her eyes had someone beat the laws of biology and made their own beauty. I wish she would look at me more, I was hypnotised by the colours clashing in them. I told her that they were pretty, and her cheeks lit up a bright pink as a shy smile pulled onto her face, her two braids laid innocently over her shoulders as two dimples indented her cheeks as she kept her stare on me.

For once in my life I actually started to feel intimidated by it, it felt different, like she was pulling me into a sense of closeness that almost made it hard to breathe. I reminded myself that she was probably just drunk, this wouldn't be happening if she was sober. But the scene infront of me only drew me in more, she was the definition of art tilting her head up at me, all the colours of her face brought her to life, the pink on her check bones that matched her lips, her eyes that held more colours than I ever even noticed, the black eyelashes that softly protected them and the hundreds of little freckles that are dotted over her face, she was pure innocence, and she looked up at me like I was as well, like she saw everything good in me, but I knew I wasn't aloud to let myself give into the pleasure of being perceived like that. I couldn't stand there deceitfully and act like I was this innocent guardian angel that saved her, it was a disguise for a devil that Layed beneath my skin. I was violent, I was angry and I knew I'd end up hurting everyone around me. What I think is protection to the people I love is always my mind lying to me, because when you start hurting the people that hurt the people you love, it always ends with more damage and more fallout.

I had to force myself out the hold she had on my mind as I took her hand instead and started spinning her around, the sound of her giggling broke through the sounds of the music and it sounded like serotonin to my heart. I continued to hold her hands as I pushed them back and forth as she let cheesy smile rest on her face.

Oh I couldn't get the sound of her laughing out of my head, from the moment I had woken up this morning it's all I could hear, I felt like I was going crazy, I was hearing things. But I need to get it out of my head, I have forbidden myself to ever catch feelings for someone, because I couldn't afford to loose anymore. A part of me hopes that she'd do something really fucked up to me so I could hate her instead.