It's not just complicated, it's a disaster

Disaster (Chapter Forty One)

Chapter Forty One

Alex’s P.O.V

I sat on the kitchen counter and bit into the apple. I swang my legs back and forth and when I went to bite the apple Zeke turned around to face me. Okay, yes, I’m not at home studying like I should; I’m at Zeke’s because his house is completely empty. He smiled at me and ran his hands up my thighs and walked up towards me.

I smiled slightly at Zeke as he stood in front of I brought up my hand and ran my fingers through the fringe of his hair and frowned.

“What?” Zeke asked me.

“Why is it so... brown?” I asked him.

He shrugged slightly. “I’m growing it out.”

“What? So it won’t be black anymore?” I said, looking at him.

“Yeah, I guess,” Zeke answered.

“Hmmm,” I nodded.

“What?” Zeke groaned slightly.

“I... I think I honestly like it black, but if you want to go back to normal it’s up to you,” I shrugged.

“What are you really trying to tell me?” Zeke asked, bending down so we could make eye contact.

 I sighed slightly and pulled my hand through Zeke’s hair again.

“I know I’ve always said I liked the old you, but there were certain things about the new you I like too,” I told him.

Zeke smiled slightly. “Like what?”

“I kind of have a thing for guys with black hair and emo fringe’s. Don’t ask me why, I just think it’s sexy,” I told him. “And the lip piercing... was hot.”

“What else?” Zeke asked, a smile clear across his face by now.

I sighed slightly. “The ‘who-cares’ attitude. The total hardass approach to it all...” I muttered. “Now... you’ve kind of gone soft.”

“You know the reason I went like that, don’t you?” he asked.

“Your mother, right? You were upset over her death,” I said.

“Yes,” he nodded. “I was upset and lost, but then you decided to pull me out of the slum and show me that love still exists.”

He brought his hand up to my cheek and held me there for a moment.

“This is me now, Alex, I’m happy,” he whispered.

“I know, but I just feel like... you’re trying to change everything after last time,” I basically blurted out.

Zeke frowned. “Since last time?”

“Since last time we were together,” I answered simply.

He bit his lip slightly and then took his hands off me and moved away slightly, just kind of looking at me.

“Zeke, tell me I’m not right,” I said.

He just shrugged and I sighed and jumped off the kitchen bench and stood in front of him.

“Changing things about you won’t help at all. If there was a problem, something we have to change we change it together, that’s what you do in a relationship, you can’t change yourself and I don’t want you to,” I told him.

He reached out and grabbed me by the waist and brought me closer to him. He put his head near mine and his breath warmed me and I waited for his kiss but it didn’t come.

“Why do you always have to be right?” Zeke whispered.

“I don’t know,” I responded.

He sighed again and then started to play slightly with my hair and I sighed too.

“I know how you feel. I know you want this to work this time, so do I, but Zeke, we love each other, and this time, things are simpler,” I said.

“Simpler? Alex, we’re sneaking around behind everyone’s back, telling our best friends that it’s just ‘hate sex’ when we both know it’s definitely more than that. Do you know how much will power it takes for me not to just walk up to you ever time I see you, grab you by the waist and whisper something into your ear. I know I said I could do it, and I can, I just don’t like it,” Zeke explained.

I curled my lips together, taking in his words. It wasn’t like I hadn’t already guessed he felt that way, but I just hoped I was wrong. I walked back and sat on the kitchen bench again, , just staring down at my hands.

“I know... I know this isn’t how you planned us being back together would be like, and... I hate it too, but today when Harriet confronted me, the way she reacted... Zeke, I don’t think they’ll understand,” I muttered. “And I love you... so much; I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of that, because when I’m with you, there’s no black, everything feels... it feels like it everything is going to be okay again. I... when it all happened, I went through hell and back, the guilt... the guilt consumed me, I...”  I had to breathe and try stop myself for crying.

Zeke looked at me and then stepped forward and placed his hands on my legs.

“I will never forgive myself for what happened that night, and once... once it happened and I realised, I knew then how much I loved you, and why I couldn’t tell you because I knew how you’d feel, and I thought only I deserved to feel that pain,” I spoke only to find myself loss it completely and tears roll down my eyes.

“Alex,” Zeke whispered, taking my hands and holding them close to him. “I understand now, you don’t have to explain.”

I shook my head slightly.”No one can understand, Zeke, I don’t even understand. I just knew, that I had to make you sure you were okay, that I didn’t hurt you. I love you too much.”

“Now you know how I feel when I say I love you,” Zeke whispered, “and I do, I love you so much, which is why I can forgive you and understand it all.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me, you shouldn’t have forgiven me so easily,” I told him.

“You think I forgave you easily? Alex, the whole week you were gone I kept going over it in my head again and again and again. I thought about everything, but you know what I kept coming back to... Evelyn. I know you broke up with me, but it felt like I cheated on you, and it was all because I was upset. I was drunk, and I just wanted to forget everything, and you were exactly that same way after our fight, plus the jetlag you had. As bad as it all is, there is nothing you can say that will make me hate you for it, I will always love you, okay? “he told me, trying to calm me down.

I didn’t respond with a nod or by shaking my head, it was kind of both of them at the same time, trying to wipe the tears away, and Zeke responded by kissing me. I held onto him... surprised at my slutty reaction, of course it’s not like it bothered him. I pulled him closer to me and I broke away for him and he pressed his forehead against mine.

“You should probably go home,” he whispered.

“I probably should,” I agreed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to kiss him again. His hands gripped to my waist and he pulled me closer to him. I let my legs kind of wrap around him as his put completely around my waist and then he lifted my off the bench. The next thing I know he’s carrying off to his room and all my fears find a way to disappear.