Jin rushed into Tadashi house and looked around for Suga.
"Where is he?" He asked Tadashi urgently. Tadashi gestured to a door,
"In there." Jin rushed in. Suga was sitting on the edge of the bed, tapping his foot rapidly, absorbed in a video game.
"Suga..." Jin murmured.
"Yeah." Suga mumbled.
"It's Jin." He sat down beside Suga.
"Hey." Suga nodding maneuvering further in his game.
"Hey." Jin sighed. Last time he had lost Nari, Suga had lost all control. Fighting, crying. Not sleeping or eating. Now, he was surrounded by junk food, books, movies, and video games. This either meant things were okay, or things were even worse than before. He was leaning toward the latter.
"Have you slept?" He asked softly.
"Nah." Suga shook his head slightly.
"What've you been doing?" Jin murmured.
"Deciding what book to read. What movie to watch. And what game to play. I read "A Canticle for Leibowitz". I watched "Roman Holiday" and "Louis C.K.". And now I've been playing this game for about 4 hours. I haven't died yet-shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" Suga leaned to the right in panic, then he sighed and straightened out.
"Still not dead." Suga smirked. Suga sounded bored. Like there wasn't enough stuff to do. Like he had done everything in the house, and was searching for something to break his boredom. Was it even necessary for Jin to join?
"How are you?" Jin asked finally.
"I feel like absolute shit." Suga shrugged.
"What does that mean?" Jin asked, staring at him curiously.
"It means I feel like shit." Suga shrugged again.
"Why?" Jin whispered.
"I assume, if you're here, you know why." Suga mumbled, still playing his game. Jin fumed. He felt ignored. He felt stupid. And he began to doubt his decision. He could almost feel the top of his head smoking.
"Can you stop playing that stupid game for two seconds and talk to me!" Jin screamed at him, wrenching the game controller away from Suga. Suga sighed and looked at the TV dejectedly.
"I died."
"This is bullshit! I tried to join the Yakuza to fucking help you, and this is the shit I put up with?" He jumped up screaming.
"Why the fuck did you try to join the Yakuza? Jin, you know you can't do that! What about Misook?" Suga asked him triumphantly.
"What about Misook? I don't even see her." He scoffed. Suga raised and eyebrow,
"Gone every night? I'm not stupid y'know. I pulled some strings and called in to see how she was doing. Turns out she's improving suddenly and at a rapid rate. Wonder how?" Suga raised and eyebrow and shook his head.
"It can't be that bad. I'll still get to see her." Jin argued.
"The things you have to do...you see her, but you'll lose her." The pain in Suga's voice suddenly became evident. Suga's fists were clenched so tightly his knuckles were stark white and small drops of blood ran down his wrists from his fingernails.
"What's the worst thing they could make me do?" Jin murmured, slumping back down on the bed.
"So far...I've killed at least 18 people maybe more. Including-" Suga gulped, "Including my father." Jin was knocked breathless.
"That's why you didn't..." He murmured.
"I was afraid you would think I was a monster. That you wouldn't be able to look me in the eye." Suga sighed.
"Suga, we're your family. How can we ever be mad at you, especially when you're doing it to protect us?" Jin put his arms around Suga's shoulders and rubbed his arm soothingly.
"Why do you want to join?" Suga asked softly. Jin sighed and squeezed Suga.
"Because, Suga, you can't do everything alone."
Suga nodded,
"I guess that's where things started to go wrong. I thought I was strong enough to do this. I knew if I saw you guys I would doubt myself and I would hate myself even more. So I let it hollow me out, and I pushed you all away. It was so selfish of me. I did it to protect myself. I'm doing all of this for myself. I need you guys, without you I don't know what I would do. I have to protect you, for myself. But because I was trying to keep you guys safe, I pushed you away, and I'm slowly losing everyone. And it's gone too far, I can go back and change it. I don't know what else to do but keep going. It's all I can do. Jin...please don't join. There's nothing left to save. I could never save us anyways. I could save you from all this, not me. So let me at least have that." Suga sighed, his shoulders were miserably hunched and he looked small and thin. Like a little boy.
"But there's a chance-" He began.
"I lost Nari on that chance." Suga snapped, "I pushed her away and pushed her away until she thought I didn't love her anymore. I couldn't look at her because of what I have done, because I love her the most. In the end, I was doing it for her and her alone. I was hollow except for that last part of me that she held. Now it's gone. Jin, there is nothing left for me. I might as well not have a heart. That's all I can amount to now, a shell. I had lost everyone else, and I knew that. But despite all our fighting, I knew I loved her and I thought she loved me. I did it for her. I'm still doing it for her." Suga was on the verge of tears, Jin could feel it in his trembling frame.
"Why? Why would you still do it for her?" He murmured, dumbfounded. Why would he still subject himself to this for her after what she did to him?
"Because I love her. And I told her I just wanted her to have a normal life. I didn't realize that I really wanted her to have a life with me. But if I wanted that, it wouldn't have hurt so much when I saw her with Rapmon. It wouldn't have destroyed what was left inside me. What I want is for her to be happy with me, but that's not what I told her. So it wouldn't be fair if I didn't let her have a normal life." Suga sighed and gulped down his tears. Jin squeezed him closer.
"You can cry yknow." Jin murmured.
"Tears remind me of rain. Rain reminds me of better things. The memories make it worse. I feel like if I cry I'm letting the memories escape and it hurts more." Suga sighed and grabbed a movie. Jin clenched his fists. They needed some rain.
They needed a sign to tell them things would be alright.
