She stared up at the little star. Why did she come back? Because she had already gone too long without him. She needed a piece of him. She needed a part of him. She wanted to have him back. She didn't mean to lead Rapmon on. She was just so desperate. It just felt so nice to have someone care for her, and have someone want her. But she had been wrong. Suga did care for her. He did want her. Or at least he had. He had just needed some time, and she wasn't patient enough to wait. Maybe she really came back because she hoped he would come back too. She missed him so much. She wanted to feel his skin under her hands. His lips under hers. His hands interlocked with hers. Why was she stupid? It hurt so much more because he gave back the necklace. He was so hurt, he gave up something his parents owned because it was something that she had given him. She kept her eyes on the little star even though her vision blurred from tears. She just wanted him. That's all she wanted. She needed him. That's all she needed. Her heart was so broken. Her head was so muddled. The only clear thing she could feel was pain. She would do anything to have him back. He was the only reason she had anything. She had all her friends because of him. Her life was all because of him. Why did she take him for granted? Everything he did was for her too. She curled herself into a fetal position. She couldn't look at his star anymore. He had given her everything. She just destroyed it all. What was wrong with her? She couldn't fix this. She just wanted to fix everything. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she needed to accept that some things can't be fixed and she needed to move on. But she couldn't do that. Not without him. Not without Suga.
The door to the planetarium swung open. Hadn't she locked it? Oh. The principle and the librarian walked in. Followed by Luhan and Eunsuh. Luhan helped her up. She felt dead inside. The pain had festered for so long she had become numb to it now. Eunsuh looked at her, with eyes full of tears. She had nothing. She realized it then. She had alienated herself from everyone she knew. Luhan. Eunsuh. Misook. The only person she had now was Rapmon. And the only reason she had him was because she was lying to him. Pretending she cared for him the same way he cared for her. She leaned against Luhan heavily.
"It's going to be okay." He murmured. She nodded. She didn't have the energy to disagree. She didn't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. Luhan helped her sit down in the principle's office, and he began to speak.
"...because of your absence we will have to expel you." The principle finished. She hadn't been listening. She nodded slowly and stood.
"We'll call your parents to come pick you up." He picked up the phone.
"No, I can-" she began.
"I'm afraid it's policy." He smiled sadly. She nodded and sat down. Fuck.
She completely ignored whatever her mother, father, or gramma said. She trudged into the house and up to her room. The blood roared in her ears, it was all she could hear. Her room was the same, except her window was bolted shut and there was no lock on her door. She pushed her dresser in front of it so it couldn't be opened. She looked around her room. She hated everything in it. She swept everything off her desk and stomped on it. She destroyed her room methodically. Until she saw the two paintings. She grabbed them off the wall gently and put them in a corner. Then she continued. It didn't help anything. It didn't help the anger, it didn't help the pain. It didn't even make her feel better. All she could feel was the same numb pain. She burst into tears and fell to the floor. She punched at the ground aimlessly. She felt someone's eyes on her. It was just the painting. She looked over at it. She choked and her lungs began to burn. She nearly fainted. She gasped and took a deep breath. No. Not today. She was getting out of here. She was going home. She went to her window. She pulled her bed next to it and grabbed her paintings. She sat on the bed and kicked at the window with both of her feet. Finally, the window shattered. Her one place of sanctuary was gone. It didn't matter. She was going to start over. She would start over and she would find him. She would make it stop hurting and get him to stop hurting. She kicked out the rest of the glass and threw the paintings out. Then she jumped.
She landed heavily and rolled to a stop. She grabbed the paintings and she ran. They would've heard that. She ran to his house. The door was locked. She ignored all the pain she felt and lifted her arms over her head and grabbed onto a beam. She cried out. She had probably fractured a few ribs. Whatever. She grabbed the beam and swung forward. She kicked the door several times before it finally gave way like the window. She dropped down and entered. She moved a shelf in front of the door and scaled the stairs. She thundered into his room. She sighed in relief and sat down on the bed. She ran her hand over the soft fabric of the sheets. She knew she was losing control over herself. She was a car, careening over a cliff. She was a sinking ship. She was a broken doll. She was driving herself insane. She laid down on the bed and buried herself in the sheets. She did this to herself. Only she could make the pain go away.
But how?
