G O O D B Y E
D A Y 2 5
You didn't have to be so rude...so forgetful, in fact.
"I had some interest, but your lovely straight to voicemail setting changed that."
First of all, if you paid any attention to me, any attention at all, you would know that my phone is off for the summer. Not only that, but the day before summer, you took up all 300 of my minutes. There was no way for you not to go straight to voicemail. I guess you weren't listening at all... so much for that "around my heart" nonsense. Seems like the area around your heart must just be a big black abyss. Maybe that's what your heart is too.
You have no idea how it feels to be abandoned by someone you trust more than anything. You have no idea how it feels to try to recover from depression and addiction at the same time, alone. I needed you for support. I told you that. What did you do? Well, you put me into the archives...like I was already dead. Perhaps that's what you were planning on.
Sometimes, I feel like this is all worthless. I feel like it doesn't matter if I keep cutting, or keep taking pills, or stay depressed. I lost the only form of support I had.
"Find someone else." is all I hear in my head when I think of you.
You think it's just that easy huh? I can just find someone else to trust in... I guess I wasn't that unique to you. I want to tell myself that you haven't forgotten about me. I want to tell myself deep down some where, you still care, and you want me to get better, and I'm not dead to you. I want to believe I mean something to the only person who ever meant something to me. You have no idea how hard it is to accept the fact that I've lost everything. You have no idea how hard it is to accept the fact that's it's all my freaking fault.
You have no idea how much this freaking illness and this freaking addiction have taken from me. The worst part is you don't care. The worst part is it's all my fault..
You have no idea how hard it is to be strong, when everything going on around you says "give up".
I have to be strong. I HAVE to.
I want to cut so bad today, to take a few pills...but we all know it wouldn't stop at a few...but I didn't. I cried though, I cried a lot. I cried for myself. I pulled through it, by myself.
I admit I treated you terribly. I admit I deserve some pain.
But, you have no excuse to be rude now. I'm getting better. I'm inviting you do partcipate in activities with me...activities that you should enjoy...activities you used to enjoy with me.
I'm going to get better. Your rudeness isn't going to stop me. I don't know how you feel about me...but I feel worthless to you. All I wanted was a little support. Am I not good enough for you?
Maybe I'm already dead to you. But I'm still fucking alive, and I'm going to be strong, and I'm going to keep going, regardless of whether I'm dead to you or not.
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
