H O M E
D A Y 3 4
I remember, you were always making plans for the future. Always. It must sound crazy to you, but I often envied your ability to see so far into the future. Back then, I was barely able to see a couple of minutes in the future...and I had much difficulty even grasping the present. You had these grand ideas, they were all quite romantic. A giant, geodesic dome...with a lovely little balcony, right? You would talk about where you would build it...sometimes it was Montana, sometimes it was Vermont... It was quite funny though, you never mentioned anything about a wife or children...you just had this big house in your head, and that was your future. Now, looking back and realizing how private you really were, I'm sure you did think about them too and that you simply didn't tell me. I won't hesitate to admit that on occassion I would fantasize of perhaps one day living in a house like that with you, but it was all just fantasy. I don't think it was that I liked the house...or even that I was in love with you. It was more like I just craved a home...and my fantasy about making a home with you put me at ease. I wouldn't mind living in a giant dome, but now that I've cleared my head I can create my own vivid dreams and build my own future home inside my imagine. They don't have to coincide with yours anymore...and it is purely a coincidence if they do.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I think about my future home. I want a balcony, too...overlooking the ocean, perhaps. Or perhaps overlooking a gigantic, evergreen forest sitting under a bright and full moon in December. The snow swirls around, flirting with the wind, but still following its own path into the soft plush on the ground. My fantasy is so acute, that I can imagine the cold nipping at my arms, not quite enough to get me to go inside to curl up in my covers away from the symphony that nature had decided to perform on that chilly night. When I was ready to venture back inside my house, I would be greated with tender warmth from the red, brick fireplace in the living room. I always been so fond of fireplaces, but I've never had the privleige of owning one. My house would have been hidden away, private, but conveinently located close to a city so shopping was never a hassle. Pour vivre heureux, vivons caché.
The kitchen would be large and grand, located across from a dining room that would be perfect for entertaining. The hallways and corridors would be wide and well-lit, so you would never feel boxed in or like you had no where to go. Most of all, I imagine my bedroom...no artificial lighting, only candles. A large, dark wooden bed with dark red satin sheets. The pillows would be perfectly fluffy, and there would be lots of them. The bed would be perfect for snuggling...and maybe something more. Across from the bed would be a large screen TV, so although part of the room feels antique and homey, modern technology would still dominate the household. The room would be complete with a walk-in closet and a vanity. There would be many other rooms in the house, some of them I haven't quite imagined, but I have given them names. I know I definetly want a room full of technology, computers and servers and things...
I think about a future husband as well...I'm not sure what he would look like. Handsome, of course...intelligence is a must. He would probably be a geek and appreciate a computer room as much as I would. He would be genuinely kind, funny and not too serious...he would be romantic, and caring, but not clingy. He wouldn't believe in money or gifts for showing affection, he would rely on his actions and his words. The greatest expression of love between two people, love making, would be one of his main ways of expressiing love. That's why I will never understand how somebody can just go around and have sex with strangers...love making is supposed to be the ultimate expression of love.
Not only would my husband be a great lover, but he would also be a great father. He would love and nurture his kids, but he would no when they needed to be disciplined. He would make them quite aware that he loves them, without spoiling them. I want a good amount of kids...more than one, definetly. Most likely three or four... children are beautiful. People don't realize what a beautiful creation children are. Love making is the most powerful expression of love. and children are a physical, pure representation of that love. A child is something that can only be made by two people. Children are a beautiful gift from God, and I desperately hope by some God given miracle I will be able to reproduce one day. A child would be something that both my husband and I made, together.
As much as I love being a carefree, energetic teenager, my teenage years have been a bit rough. I don't believe how people could possibly believe these are supposed to be the best years of life... I truly believe marriage is when life really starts to get beautiful. Just think about it, getting to wake up to your best friend right next to you every single day...knowing that what you share with them cannot even compare to your relationship with any of your other friends. Knowing that out of billions of people, they choose you to spend their life with. That's amazing. Love is truly amazing, and unlike in my past, I am not so quick to spout out "I love you" to every person I have even a minimal connection with.
I remember, back when all I craved is superficial love, I would beg for you to say you loved me...
"If I say it too often, it won't mean anything" you would insist.
Do you remember when you said that? You know, when you said it...my irrational, sick mind got angry...I took that as though you didn't love me all the time...that your love was conditional.
No. It's not like that at all. We had this awesome plationic love...and I just had so much difficulty sensing love...
You loved me. You loved me so much, that we had gotten to a point where we didn't need to say it, because it was just implied by the way we looked at each other or the way we interacted with each other...laughing at jokes that weren't funny...staying in our own little world...it was this kind of platonic love that didn't need words, because there was just so much feeling involved.
"I love you" are words that should only be said at the height of intimate moments. Those words should only be said when two people truly care about each other. Just because it's not said all the time, doesn't mean that it's not constant. "I love you" should not be used in times of doubt or desperation, but in times of true intimacy, emotional intimacy like in a friendship or sexual intimacy like in a marriage. If those moments of true intimacy do not occur and therefore the words cannot be said, then they do not deserve to be said anyway.
YOU ARE READING
73 Days
Non-FictionA series of letters to a once best friend, a series of letters he may never get to read. There are 73 days in summer, and that means 73 days of change. From a suicidal, depressed, self-harm addicted teenager into a (hopefully) stable young woman, th...
