73 Days

Day 37 - Beautiful

B E A U T I F U L

D A Y 3 7

You know what the strangest feeling in the world is to someone recovering from depression is? Feeling beautiful. After spending months of feeling like absolutely nothing...and now, I look in the mirror, and I see this wonderful, beautiful person staring back. Flaws and everything...I'm not trying to sound conceited, because I know I'm far from that...but I do feel beautiful. Not because anyone called me beautiful, or because I got tons of likes on my photos or anything stupid like that...I feel beautiful because of what I saw in the mirror. I don't care what other people see, or think, or how people rate me or anything like that. Compliments are always nice, but they don't determine who I am. Insults might hurt a bit, but still, I've realized they don't determine who I am. I used to hate everything about the way I looked because all I saw was flaws. All I saw was imperfection...

I remember one time, you said something to the effect of "imperfection is perfection..." I really didn't understand what you meant, and at the time I didn't care what you had to say. I was the only one who could change my outlook on myself on life, and I didn't realize that at the time. You were correct, however, when you said that you could call me beautiful a hundred times and it wouldn't change a thing. Nothing could change unless I changed. Now that I've changed, I've realized just how much I've screwed up...how wrong I was...and I finally realize exactly who I am and who I want to be.

I thought I was nothing but flaws...and I really thought that if I was skinny enough, blonde enough, whatever society wanted, then I would become perfect and flawless. Flaws are what make people unique, and although I might have many flaws, everyone does. What's more, there are attractive aspects of both my personality and looks. It feels good, to walk out of the house and not feel ashamed. It feels so good to walk around with confidence...because that's something I've never had before. You know, I never realized how important confidence is...many men have said that confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can be, and I believe that to be true. There's nothing sexy, or even attractive, about someone who spends their time wallowing in self-pity. I don't know why I ever thought that acting like a whiny, self-hating brat would get me anywhere...I don't know if I'll ever understand. I guess it was just the fog of depression...just not knowing to get out of it...it's surprising, really, to sit here and think that I've begun my journey of recovery. Confidence is a very important aspect of that recovery. If we ever do speak again, I hope you'll notice how confident I've become. I hope you see something different in me...perhaps something that sparks your interests, and makes me seem like a person that you might want to get to know. There's not doubt about it, I have changed...and I know that's hard to believe. I know it is...you spent one and a half years with somebody that wasn't even me. I do miss you...when you offered me your friendship, I didn't realize how valuable it was until it was too late. I feel like a complete idiot for rejecting your offer. I don't really know what you ever thought of me, during the happier times. That was a very short time period...maybe, you even thought I was pretty. Most likely not, but still...who knows? I didn't realize how much attitude played into how attractive a person was. I'm sure after you saw me through a few suicide attempts, I wasn't too attractive to you. I want to show you who I really am...I look different on the outside, too. I hated my smile...now...I kind of like it. I remember when Quentin used to always critisize me because I used to purse my lips in photos, and look like a duckface...I look prettier when I truly smile, anyway. It looks different...from the way I used to smile before. If you saw me smile now, I think you'd no that I've changed. I wish you could, but let's face it...you probably would never want to see me again, smiling or not. I won't approach you when school starts...so the only way you would possibly see me is if you passed me in the hallway or something, and even then, I doubt you would even glance at me. But that's okay, because I don't need your approval to know I've changed for the better.