73 Days

Day 31 - Arg Wub Wub

A R G  W U B  W U B

D A Y 3 1

I'm going to start making music with M...sounds crazy, huh? We're going to make dubstep together. We've already figured out a name for ourselves: Nectar. We spent all day thinking up that...anyway, we're going to try to make it sound really nice and unique. I always did love dubstep with guitar riffs in it, and M plays guitar, so it should be good enough. I remember when you started making dubstep...I always did really like it, you know. I didn't just say that because I liked you. I liked listening to it...I think it had potential, but I guess you gave up. I remember once, you told me you wanted to use my voice to make dubstep...I thought that was kind of nice, because it was like saying you liked my voice...one of the first times we chatted together, I read you off the terms for AP Enviromental. You said my voice helped you study. I didn't really do anything...but read you the terms. You just kept saying my voice was magical, and that all I had to do was read you the terms. I remember, whenever I would sneeze, you would say it was the "best sneeze". Whenever I would laugh, you would it was the "best laugh". Whenever I would yawn, you would say it was the "best yawn". I guess that's all gone now...and I guess it's not coming back...but the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I screwed up. You really did care about me...and you didn't lie when you said you loved me...

I messed up something really great, didn't I? I just feel so bad about it...you were always so sweet to me...

I remember the day you thought I was really going to kill myself. The day when your mother had to call my mother, the day when I totally went insane...the day when you said you HATED yourself. Do you remember it?

"You don't know what it's like to hate somebodies guts so much you want to kill them, when that person is your own self" were the words you typed into the IRC chat.

It was something like that, wasn't it? Did you really mean that? The last time I talked to you on the phone...you denied it..

I will never forget that look in your eyes for as long as I live. When I told you to hug me, to give me a hug goodbye...you refused at first...you just kept looking at me.

"No. I won't let you say goodbye." you said, staring into my eyes, pleading.

"Just give me a hug!"  I whined.

"I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't been able to eat, I haven't been able to do anything!" you yelled, the sadness and desperation spraying out of your mouth with every word you said.

So then I just grabbed onto you, and at first, you just kept refusing, because you didn't want to say goodbye. Then after a few seconds, you grabbed onto me so hard...it was the most genuine hug you've ever given me...I felt so much emotion swelling up in you...it was kind of shocking...I didn't think you were that sentimental...

I always did love your hugs...I guess you kind of realized that. You never seemed to like mine all that much, though. You never really wanted them. I remember the first time you actually hugged me...the first time you wrapped your arm around my waist first instead of waiting till I moved towards you...That made me happy. It seemed like you actually wanted to hug me. Maybe for a short time, you did like my hugs.

I remember once, I was about to walk away, without giving you a hug first...and you grabbed my bag and pulled me towards you. You did really care...you didn't hate me...you didn't think I was worthless..

You know, this is quite embarrassing, it really is...but I remember Jared used to wear a shirt that read:

"You may only be one person to the world, but to one person you could mean the world"

I always wished that maybe...maybe I meant the world to you. Now, I know I didn't, I'm not that stupid, but I know that you meant the world to me.

I know I was important to you, at least.

I could tell by the way you looked at me...in the beginning...you wouldn't remember, or you would deny it, but we would stare into each others eyes all the time. There was nothing romantic about it. It was just this mutual feeling of understanding, because we knew that we were close. That was all in the beginning though...and that's long gone...I miss when you would stare into my eyes...

I...I guess I couldn't remember all this...for some reason...but it's all coming back to me now. All of the times you proved how much you meant to me, it's all coming back, it's all making sense.

You were just so tired...not tired of me...you didn't get to know me. You were tired of the depression...because it was starting to spread...