Twisted tale of Negan

Depression

 Ever since Negan and i's little make up session he has gone back to the sweet dude i knew. he helped with Katherine, and even did the dishes with me like he used to. 

all this baby chaos is making me nervous, with my pregnancy scare i had months ago, i still dont know if i am carrying or not. 

i know back when i was pregnant with Katherine i had the symptoms quite early on. but that could also be because i was nervous about what Negan would have thought. 

i traced my hands over my belly, reminiscing in Katharine pregnancy, Negan clears his throat from our doorway. 

i quickly stop and turn toward him "oh Jesus you scared me" 

he smiles softly "baby? what were you doing?" he asked closing our bedroom door and crawling into the bed. 

i look down at my belly and shake my head "nothing.. its not important" 

Negan quickly caught onto my lie "its clearly something Lucille" he says firmly.

i sigh out and turn on the shower "i should be showing by now Negan.. im scared. what if it aint there any more? what if it died that night?" 

i quickly feel his arms from behind me, they wrapped me into a hug "dont think like that. we will know when the time comes" 

"but i cant wait!" i scream. 

he holds me closer to him and gently rubs my sides "shh.. baby its okay" 

i shake my head and undress, making my way to the shower i turn on the shower head. i wait for a minute for the water to get bearable, but Negan hasn't dropped the conversation

"Lucy, everything is okay" 

i ignore him  and step into the shower, i hear him sigh out and he starts getting undressed

"Negan what are you doing?" 

no response. instead the shower door opens and here him and i are, facing each other, looking each other in the eyes he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to his body, the warm water running down my back. i close my eyes, trying to relax, but Negan doesn't allow that. 

"look at me" he says sternly

this sends shivers down my spine, his voice alone could do my mind wonders. 

i open my eyes and look at him 

"everything, and i mean everything is going to be okay. you have my word Lucille" he kisses my lips softly and holds me under the water. 

my body stands there, limply dangling in his arms, as him and i stand under the water, and in this moment i believed every single word that came out of his mouth. i could actually believe him.

------------------------

after our shower, it was getting late. Negan was exhausted from today's festivities, however my mind was wide awake, so many things were running through it. but one topic stuck out to me like a sharp knife, pregnancy. 

im not jealous that Maggie has a baby.. am i? i mean, i have Katherine and she will be my forever baby. but still.. i should be pregnant right now. i should be ready to have a baby in a couple of months! but how the fuck is that even possible if im not showing? 

i toss and turned for about a whole hour, and surprisingly Negan didn't wake up. lucky him.. 

my thoughts started eating me alive around one o clock. and i couldn't take anymore. 

depression. thats the one word i would use to describe how i felt. i cant even fucking keep a man here with me, and i want another baby? maybe im too complicated to love. maybe Negan was right for hitting me all those years he did. maybe, just maybe i am the disgrace he saw me as at one point. i have no purpose anymore, lets face it Negan wouldn't even care if i died in the bed next to him. and Katherine? nah. her daddy is back, she would forget about me in no time. 

i should be used to this feeling, the feeling that im just someones doormat. 

i sit straight up in bed, and slip out of it. i head straight for my clothes, i slip on a pair of jeans and my sandals. 

i make my way to the bedroom door and open it slightly, just enough for me to get out. 

before i knew it i was walking through Alexandria, and surprise surprise theres Rick on watch at the gates. i walk even faster to my car, hoping that if i get in it, and pull up to the gates he wont ask any questions, and he would just let me go. 

but to no avail, my plan fails, rick hops down from the guard and jogs to me

"where are you goin? is almost two?" his tired voice asks. 

"just open the gates rick.." i say nearly above a whisper. 

"answer me Lucy" he demands. 

"im going out, Jesus fuck, let me leave rick!" i raise my voice. 

i try to turn to my car but rick grabs my wrist and yanks me back to him "Lucy answer my question where are you going?" 

his grip only tightened, and i was in pain "rick let me go" i panicked. 

he tightens it even more "answer me and i will" 

somehow i manage to shake off his grips, i rub my slightly bruised wrist and look up at him, with the most hatred in my eyes as possible. 

ricks eyes softened "Lucy.. im ssorry" 

i looked down to the ground "just open the fucking gate" i say through gritted teeth. 

he nods and runs off, he opens the gates as i requested, i hurried into my car and peeled out of Alexandria. 

i dont know where im going, but i do know that its going to be a while before i come back. i need to clear my head, i hope Maggie, and rick understand that.. 

especially Negan..