Letters to the front

Chapter 19 - More than my own life

Edward 

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"You fucking arsehole!" i howled at Johnny, who was leaning against the wall, looking thoroughly bored. "I think you already said that one" he said.

"I'm running out, i think i've called you every name under the sun and it still isn't enough!" i shouted.

"Stop over reacting Edward" 

"This is under reacting, you haven't seen over reacting yet" 

"Mate, she was another gutter rat" he said.

"Don't say it, it isn't true" i said, "she is brave and loyal and she loved me"

"Loved your money you mean?" 

"NO, ME!" i said, "unlike Cecelia"

"Now, now Edward, that's rather rude" Cecelia said, entering the room behind me.

"It's true"

"Well it's true it wasn't your charming personality i fell for" she spat. I stared at her and she continued, "get real Edward!" 

"What?" 

"It was purely a match meant to strengthen connections, it wasn't your money i was interested in, i have plenty of my own, no, it's your title, and it would do you no harm by marrying me. I'm rich, i'm beautiful and you are downright lucky Edward so forget that little slut"

"Don't you dare call her that!" 

"Edward, i'm giving you another chance, take it" she said. 

"No, now get out, you absolute bitch" i spat, my voice filled with hatred. 

"You've just made a big mistake, Edward Kingston" she hissed, turning on her heel and storming out like a tornado.

"You bloody idiot! You'll never find another like her" Johnny said.

"Good, i had the best thing, Alice and you fucked it up" 

"I was doing you a favour!"

"No, you were ruining the one good thing i had, probably for your own selfish reasons" i said, my voice rough and cold. 

Johnny looked as if i'd slapped him, and for a moment i felt oddly satisfied. He blew out my room like a hurricane and i collapsed on the bed, putting my head in my hands. I couldn't deal with it. Would Alice ever forgive me? And she'd left with someone else, it made me sick. 

I shakily poured a brandy and downed it, then another and another until i wasn't sure of my own name. I fell back on the bed and passed out after number 6. It seemed as good a thing to do as any, getting drunk paralysed my brain. 

When i woke hours later my head was pounding, my eyes were groggy and vomit covered the bed linin. I got up and washed my face in the basin. 

Huge, dark circles hung around my eyes and my lips were red and eyes swollen. I brushed though my ruffled hair and looked ruefully at the man staring back at me, i wished i could go back, change things. But it was too late, i sat down and wrote a letter, it was how we had met, perhaps it would make Alice more forgiving? 

Dearest Alice, 

Please let me explain, i love you so much and never meant to hurt you. I had honestly meant to call of the engagement, but i had been avoiding my family, to stop this happening. 

I feel i owe you an explaination, so i'll tell you the whole story.

Cecelia and i met when we were very young. We were five and our families had always been friends. She was always such a sweet child, bright, adventerous and funny. When she was seven, her parents died, and she was sent to live with her elitest grandmother. Her grandmother encouraged and cultivated our friendship, due to my father's status and our financial standing. 

However, living with her grandmother changed her. She became cold and cynical, her adventurous nature crushed and bright mind harnessed for learning piano and french, along with how to behave in society. My own mother, raised me the same, although i learnt how to shoot and was encouraged to do the typical things done by young boys of my circumstances. 

When i was eleven, i was sent to boarding school. I missed Cecelia, she had reminded me i was the same as everyone else, and not the young Earl i was being groomed to be. I returned from boarding school aged sixteen, and hoped that Cecelia would be as i left her. She had certainly become beautiful, and i remember thinking that, but she had changed. She had become awfully good friends with my mother (thanks to her grandmother) and our marriage had been arranged. 

I believed at that time that the girl i had left behind may still be inside, simply hidden by the spoilt and arragont exterior. My friend Johnathan Peterson thought i was extremely lucky, and at about the same time struck up an affair with the daughter of a local washerwomen named Sarah, but that's another story. I soon realised however, that the Cecelia i knew was gone and beyond recovery. 

Three months after our engagement was announced, war broke out, and we began writing. I was reminded what real love is, and that i may have a chance at happiness. Please ignore what Johnny did, it was a trick to split us up so i would marry Cecelia in resignation. I love you Alice, and i always will. 

All my love, 

Luitenant Edward Kingston 

I allowed the ink to dry and folded it, placing it an envolope, with it i placed a small necklace and a note;

I was going to give this to you at the ball, but you left before i could, 

Edward 

Inside i slotted the gold locket, it contained the inscription you are my fate on the inside. I hoped Alice liked it, but my heart felt heavy, i wasn't sure if she'd respond. I hoped she'd still be at St. George's so she got the letter, but by the same token, i wanted her out of danger so i hoped she got my letter before being moved on. 

I had hoped to marry Alice, but i had wanted to get to know her first, losing her made me realise how much i loved her, she was my world and i had to get her back.