Letters to the front

Chapter 53 - Go on living

Edward

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Alice didn't get better quickly. It took time, she'd lost so much weight her ribs stuck out against her bare form, her once stunning, curved figure was all angles and points, her cheek bones to stark, her bones to visible. The real difference was her eyes, once so filled with fire, they could light up a room, now they were dulled, as if that fire had been extinguished. 

The London hospital eventually deemed her well enough to leave after two months of feeding her back to health, a cocktail of antibiotics to fight the diseases and infections and a steady exercise plan; the expense was astronomical, so I sent the bill straight to my parents, it was their fault all this happened. 

When she was well enough, we went to our sons grave. When she pointed to it, I saw a small rock with 'E.S.K 1920' carved into it roughly. It was tiny, and barely marked the spot. I crumpled to my knees in front of the grave, and felt tears slip down my cheeks, I couldn't have cared less about crying at that moment. 

I felt a hand resting on my shoulder, and looked up to see Alice stood behind me, standing strong, her eyes shining with tears of her own, that she was clearly holding back. She smiled at me, it was a sad smile and my heart swelled at the sight of her bravery. She'd been so subdued, I was worried i'd lost her, but now it was clear the Alice Hardwick I loved was still alive inside her. 

"We should set up a memorial for him somewhere, I don't like him hidden out of the way here" I told her.

She nodded in agreement. "I hated putting him here, but I couldn't object, the vicar wouldn't give me another plot"

"That's disgusting" I said savagely.

 "I could imagine him growing up, you know" she choked. I looked at her skeptically but she continued, "I always saw him looking like you, with brown hair and his stunning green eyes, he would have been such a happy child, and so adventurous, I would have somehow managed to make him happy, and he would have grown up and fallen in love and had his own children and-and-and" 

She couldn't finish and I rose off the ground, wrapping my arms around her, giving her all the support I could. It was so hard, seeing this and knowing that I'd never know my own son and that Alice had to lose him so quickly.

We stood locked in our embrace for a time. The wind whipped her hair and tugged our clothing, she rested her head on my chest and I closed my eyes, my own head resting above hers. I took a deep breath and felt her relax against me, and the soft tears dampening my clothes. 

It was as if we became statues, frozen and melded together as one, it was as if our very souls were entwined, our hearts syncronised. Nothing could take that moment from us, no one could distort it or change the tragic beauty in it.

"Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile" she sang, choking on the words.

"While you've a lucifer to light your fag, smile boys that's the style" I sang back quietly. Her hand drifted up my coat and she wound a loose thread around her finger. "What's the use of worrying, it never was worth while" she said.

"So pack up your trouble in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile" we sang together, she tilted her head up, looking into my eyes, the sadness etched into her face was plain to see.

"How do people do this?" she asked me.

"What?" I said, a frown creasing my brow.

"Go on" her voice was wistful, "how do parents get over the loss of a child? It's like a piece of my heart is missing"

I thought about it, before answering, "I don't think we do, I think we just have to find a way to go on living, and accept that they're in a better place now, and would want us to be happy again"

She smiled up at me, eyes filled with love, "We need to be happy again, for Eddie"

"Eddie?" I said, slightly amused.

She blushed, "Eddie" she repeated.

I swung her round in my arms, making her shriek in surprise. When I put her down, she was breathless and laughing. When she realised, her hands shot over her mouth, "Is it too soon to laugh?"

"No" I told her, "we need to live, for him"

"It's so hard" she whispered.

"I know, love, but we don't get a choice, life keeps moving forward and we have to move with it, and you don't want to end up stuck in the past"

"The past was so dark"

"So we move forward" I said, kissing her softly. With a gusto I wasn't sure she pocessed, she grasped my collar tightly and tugged my lips down to hers, I kissed her back and pushed her against me. "I love you" she said, her voice a mix of emotion.

"I love you, too" I said, "and I have a surprise for you"

Her eyes widened, "I'm worried" 

I laughed a little, "Don't be"  

We got into the car I had driven down here and drove us back my townhouse which we had been staying in. The summer was at it's peak now, the trees had unfurled after the long winter and trimmed blades of grass shone brightly on neatly tended lawns. 

I knew this was too much for Alice in her present state, that she longed for wilder landscapes and nature. I carried our cases down and had my chauffeur drive us to King's cross. The station was packed, many families going away for the summer, most had already left but some only wished to leave for a fortnight or month. Mothers fussed over their children and fathers tapped their feet impatiently, wishing to be on the train. 

"Edward, what are we doing here?" she said, her voice pained. I wanted to keep it a surprise but couldn't prolong her agony, the train would be leaving soon, so she wouldn't have long to endure.

"Do you remember when you told me you wished to travel?"

"Yes"

"I knew staying in London through summer was a bad idea so I decided, 'why not travel?'"

"Where are we going?"

"The lake district"