Letters to the front

Chapter 49 - Forget me

Alice

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Day forty. Two months since I had left Edward, or rather been forced to leave him. I had been in the squalled apartment two months. When I first arrived in London, I made a point of selling all the fine clothes, I had no future use for them, and desperately needed the money. I could barely afford the rented room I was staying in, summer had come to an end, and as the nights grew colder, I felt the chill of winter looming. 

I still tried to stay afloat, looking for work and finding it occasionally, only to be sacked soon after when my identity was discovered. No one wanted someone like me working for them. I was so short on money and the rent was due, I was forced to sell my hair. 

I walked down the alley to the back entrance of a wig makers, trying to stop myself crying, I knew it was vain and silly to cry about, but I couldn't help but love my hair, I'd always had long hair and in  less than half an hour, I wouldn't. 

I tapped the door nervously, and a man stood there, his eyes immediately drawn to my hair. "How much for it?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

"Ten shillings" he said.

"Is that all?" I said, appalled. 

"Take it or leave it" he shrugged. I hung my head in defeat and stepped inside. 

When I emerged, my hair had been cut into a rough bob which stopped just above my chin, it hadn't been evenly or well cut, but the money would buy me food for another two weeks if I was careful. 

When I saw my reflection in a window, I choked, I had transformed from a picture of glamour and sophistication, to a beggar. My coat was tattered and grimy, my face covered in dirt and my dress made of patchwork cloth. 

I was barely recognisable, even as a farmers daughter, I never looked this bad. "Move along!" shouted a police man, rebuking me for loitering. I tucked my head down, stuffing my hands into my pockets to warm them and hurried away, back to my meager lodgings. 

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It wasn't too long before I realised something was wrong. My cycles, which used to run like clockwork every month soon stopped and I felt the stirrings of new life within me. I wept, how could I bring a child into this world? I would not be able to provide, they would live in poverty and never know their father, the thought was unbearable. 

With shaking hands I lit the fire, made up of rotten newspapers I collected, since coal was to expensive. The room was cold and bare, with very little furnishings. The bricks had been left exposed and uninsulated, the wooden floor provided now warmth. I shivered and held myself close together, trying to keep warm. 

I clutched my abdomen anxiously, what am I to do?

Edward's family would never let me near him, and I could not go crawling back, despite how much I wanted to. I could not go home, I would never bring that much shame to my family. I'd never felt more alone in my entire life, it was those times I felt old cravings lurking on the edge of my subconscious. The way my skin would crawl, or I would tremble not from cold, but from deep seeded need for comfort. After saving for a week, I could finally afford enough to write a letter and pay for stamps to send word home to my family. 

To my dear family,

I know you must be worried, and I apologise if I have caused any unnessecary suffering, believe me it was not intended. I could not come home after Lord and Lady Hampton asked me to leave, knowing the shame it would bring our family, so I have gone somewhere no one will ever find me again. 

Though it pains me to be writing this letter, I must, because I know you will be better off without me. For to preserve the entire tree the rotting branches must be cut away, and that is what you must do with me. 

I love you all dearly, but because of the shame and suffering i've caused you, i'd rather have you think I died, hold a memorial to Alice Hardwick, because she loves you, and wants you all to move on and forget her. 

For my sake and yours, do not attempt to find me, pretend I have died and forget me, move on with your lives because my exisistance only brings suffering. I thank you all for the love you gave me, if I may, please keep Ruby, let her grow old on the farm surrounded by family, I will miss her dreadfully and wish to know she is going to be at home where she is happy. 

The second thing I wish to ask is you give this letter to Edward, which I have enclosed, do not read it, please just pass it along for I cannot trust he would recieve it should I send it to his home. 

Thank you for being such a wonderful family, and for supporting me my entire life, but now I must depart from you to free you from my shame. 

I love you so much and hope that we will meet again in heaven.

Love always, 

Alice

Tear drops covered the page, and I enclosed Edward's letter, kissing it as if I could send that on with it. Without warning, the emotion I was holding back tore through my barriers and I wept, crying and sobbing, wailing like a widow, which I may as well have been. 

Grief consumed my very being, the only conselation being that they would go on and be happy in their lives after I was forgotten. Forgotten, that word made me want to cry anew. 

I had no desire to be forgotten, but knew if my family were to go on, it was best that is what happened, that they forgot me. 

The grotty mirror showed me that I was no longer Alice Hardwick. The world had destroyed Alice Hardwick. Alice had been brave, and strong and would not have been defeated like this, Alice would have gone down fighting. She would not have lain on her bed, weeping like a child because of the situation, she would have stood up to Lord and Lady Hampton, she would never have left. The world broke Alice Hardwick, the world broke me and made me an empty shell of a person. A weak, pathetic beggar who had to sell her hair and was still struggling to meet the rent. 

I was not Alice Hardwick. 

Sleep did not come, no matter how much I wished it, and I lay shivering on the bed, wanting nothing more than to die.