Letters to the front

Chapter 20 - Lest we forget

Alice 

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It wasn't long before i found myself back in france. The death count was steadily growing and infection was rife among soldiers. I found myself sending more bodies to the furnace. It made me sick, the smell was hurrendous, smoke billowed from the chimneys, diffusing the smell. 

To make matters worse, we were desperately understaffed, and the war casualties were only climbing, our small unit couldn't cope with the swelling numbers. I had hoped more women would join us, but it was not the case. Word from the farm was that things were okay, Ruby missed me, the summer had been good and the winter hadn't been to harsh. I wished i could say the same for winter in france. It had been bitterly cold, many dying of hypothermia. 

I was still shocked to the core about Sebastian's revelation, i fell for you. He had come with me to the station to say goodbye, Edward hadn't. 

I remembered the day almost like i was still living it. 

It was freezing and Sebastian was holding me tightly, crushing me in his embrace. "Be safe Alice" he said, kissing my forehead, "i won't be able to write once i've been redeployed, so don't worry if i don't write"

"I know" i said, hugging him again, warmed by his presence. 

"You are remarkable" he said, he didn't say i love you, knowing it just confused me, my emotions were a tangled web at the moment. 

"Promise to be careful" i said.

"Yes ma'am" he said, pretending to salute, making me giggle. 

"Oh Seb, i've missed you" 

"I know, but just be safe, promise it"

"I will" i said, knowing i would try.

Once seated in my cabin, i leaned out the window and clutched his hand tightly till the train started to move. I waved until he was out of sight, then lowered myself into my seat and opened my book, trying to keep upsetting thoughts at bay. 

That had been two months ago. News had come through that Russia was struggling on the eastern front, but there was nothing anyone could do, to much happening on the western front. Edward had never written, but in a way, i was glad he hadn't, it would have made this harder. 

I was extremely surprised when i got a letter, not in Edward's handwriting, that was when Gregory called me to his office. I sat uncomfortably in the chair, he looked at me before sitting in his chair, behind his desk opposite me. 

"Alice, we have news" he said.

My heart stopped, his expression was grave and i felt the colour drained from my face. "What?" 

"I wanted to be here when you read the letter" 

I eyed him suspiciously then opened it, it was written from my aunt. 

Dear Alice, 

 I couldn't bear you not knowing, i didn't feel it was fair to you. I know things had been rough between you two, but i understand you two seemed to resolve your differences. 

A telegram came through last week, and it became known to the village. Sebastian was killed in combat. He died bravely, saving his friends, he succeeded and they have secured essential land thanks to him. I felt you had a right to know, he loved you Alice and i think you loved him. 

I'm so sorry.

Love

Aunt Dorothy 

I reread the letter over and over. "We got a telegram, i didn't want you reading that on your own"

"He can't be" i said, my voice high, tears falling from my eyes and my bottom lip trembling as i tried not to breakdown. "I'm sorry Alice, i understand you two were close friends"

I loved him! It hit me like an oncoming train, i hadn't realised until it was too late. I loved Sebastian and he was gone, gone forever. "May i be excused?" i said, wiping away my tears quickly.

"Certainly, Alice if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask" Gregory added.

"Thanks" i said quietly. I made my way back to my room, then fell on the bed, sobbing unconsollably. 

"Let it not be true, make it not true!" i cried, weeping for my lost love. I punched my pillow and screamed, "NO! No!" 

I folded over, my head in my hands as i tried to control myself but it was like someone had ripped out the remains of my heart and i just couldn't take it. I couldn't bear it anymore. 

Hours later, tear stained and trembling, i wondered the corridors. Soon i was stood outside the supply cupboard once more. This time i slipped in and took what i needed. I headed back to my room after that and took the items out of my pocket, laying them across the bed. My hands shook violently as i put the contents into the syringe. I held it away from me, the needle glowing in the candle light, then i steadied it, finding a vien then slowly pushing the substance into my body. 

After a few moments, relief spread over my body, my senses numbed and brain relaxed. I was filled with thoughts of Edward and Sebastian, smiling at me as i danced across my uncle's fields. I closed my eyes and i was floating, for a short time, i was at peace, darkness consuming me in a sweet wave, swollowing me whole.

When i woke up i was covered in sweat, shaking violently. I looked around and remembered what i had done. I also nored that i had been careless, i had left the packets lying all over my bed, quickly, i tucked them safely under my matress. No one can know. I thought it through, i could lose my job, risk imprisonment but....it seemed irrelevant because for a few short hours, i was at peace and my troubled soul had cessation. 

I got out my treasure chest and picked up the crystalised flower, laying it in the palm of my hand carefully. I stroked the frozen petals with my finger and frowned remembering the look on his face when he gave me this. 

The sunlight danced off his hair as he made his way towards me, smiling as the sun set behind the hills. I stood on the steps and he had his hand tucked behind his back, "close your eyes" he whispered, stopping in front of me. I obeyed and then he said, "Now hold out your hand" I complied and felt something soft and delicate land on my palm. "Open them" 

I looked down and saw in my hand a lily, it was beautiful, it was white. "It's pure" he said.

"It's beautiful" i gasped.

"Reminds me of someone" he said, smirking. I blushed and he laughed. 

"Your like an open book, Alice" 

I felt hot tears roll down my cheek and realised i was crying. I stayed in my room all day, taking another shot, no one bothered me, for which i was grateful. I drifted back into my slumber, and was happy that no one could disturb my rest.