I lost, but i fought || J.B

Chapter 19

i cry into christian's shoulder. He caresses my hair just the way i like it. I cry and i cry, my friends, Justin and pattie i caused them so much pain. Mia was never good with showing her feelings, Tanya was always the responsible one, Kathrine Sofie was the drama queen and me, i was the crazy one, but also the one everyone talked to, i know some big secrets. Christian doesn't say a word, and i like it like this, quiet, a comfortable silence.

Many minutes, maybe hours have i been crying now non stop. I just can't seem to stop. The sobbing has stopped, but tears keep on running. I look up from Christian's shoulder and look at him, he looks confused and worried, sad even.

"What?" He asks concerned "what's wrong?" He asks.

"I-i caused so many people pain" i sob. "It's unforgivable" i say. He doesn't say anything for a while. It looks like he is deep in thought.

"How?" He asks confused.

"Look at Justin for example, you even said that was the firs time you'd hear him laugh in years" i say. He nods. "And Pattie, Justin told me he heard her crying and praying for me to come back at night" i continue. "And kat, tan and Mia i caused them so much pain" i sob again. He holds me tight again. "If they feel or felt anything like i do from loosing mama, papa and Lucas, i-i" i stop myself. "It's unforgivable" i say again.

"You couldn't change that" he says looking at me again. I look at him skeptically. "Seriously, they don't blame you, was Justin or pattie mad at you?" He asks. I shake my head. "See they are happy now, you gave them happiness" he says pointing at me. i think about it, did i? but i also caused them big pain. even though i am not subbing anymore my tears is still running. i hug his chest again.

after some minutes i stand up from his lap. i look around and my room is a mess, pillows everywhere and my pillows made some vases fall and break. i look in the direction of my walk-in closet, and even from the outside you can see the mess that is inside there. i take a quick glance at Christian, he is watching me carefully, maybe he is afraid that i'm gonna snap again. i take small steps towards the closet, and as i reach it and look inside. how can a little girl like me make so much damage in so little time? all, and i mean all the clothes and shoes are on the floor, it looks like i managed to grab the leggings too. tears are still falling, but i don't care. i take deep breath and i start by picking up a shoe, and continue by trying to find the second one, and as i find it i put it back to its place. i start doing it to another pair too, but i was stopped by two hands grabbing my shoulders i look up and surprisingly i see- Justin? what is he doing here? i look down immediately.

"what is going on? i get this text from christian saying he thought you had gone crazy" he says worried.

"i just snapped" i say. i've been walking around for so long with memories in my mind, with flashbacks from the time in hell. i just can't take it much longer. i used to do kickboxing and stuff like that to let off some steam, or dance. i love dancing, but it's been a while since i've done any of the things now.

"what made you snap?" he sounds like a psychologist.

"i went into my old twitter and i saw these tweets from my friends, and i just met pattie again and you told me she was so sad." i say fast. "i caused so much pain" i say even faster, my breathing is fast.

"you are a loved person Hannah, when you go missing people are going to miss you" he says and hug me. i hug back.

after Justin came to check up on me he had to leave pretty quickly. So right now i am cleaning again, christian is sitting on the little chair i have inside there and telling me jokes.

"okay, okay, what did one plate say to another?" christian asked.

"i don't know"

"lunch is on me" he laughed. i chuckled of how stupid these jokes were, he has been telling me like a hundreds of them. 

after about three hours of Christian telling lame jokes till he was tierd and didn't bother anymore, and me cleaning my bedroom. just as i place the last pillow in my bed i clap my hands together proud of myself.

"all clean" i say and turn around to look at Christian, but he is sleeping. i look at the time and it is 10:13 pm, wow it's late. i wake up Christian and he says an easy goodnight and walk over to his own bedroom, i change into my sleepwear and hop into bed. what an exhausting day.

***

next update: Saturday.