i cry into christian's shoulder. He caresses my hair just the way i like it. I cry and i cry, my friends, Justin and pattie i caused them so much pain. Mia was never good with showing her feelings, Tanya was always the responsible one, Kathrine Sofie was the drama queen and me, i was the crazy one, but also the one everyone talked to, i know some big secrets. Christian doesn't say a word, and i like it like this, quiet, a comfortable silence.
Many minutes, maybe hours have i been crying now non stop. I just can't seem to stop. The sobbing has stopped, but tears keep on running. I look up from Christian's shoulder and look at him, he looks confused and worried, sad even.
"What?" He asks concerned "what's wrong?" He asks.
"I-i caused so many people pain" i sob. "It's unforgivable" i say. He doesn't say anything for a while. It looks like he is deep in thought.
"How?" He asks confused.
"Look at Justin for example, you even said that was the firs time you'd hear him laugh in years" i say. He nods. "And Pattie, Justin told me he heard her crying and praying for me to come back at night" i continue. "And kat, tan and Mia i caused them so much pain" i sob again. He holds me tight again. "If they feel or felt anything like i do from loosing mama, papa and Lucas, i-i" i stop myself. "It's unforgivable" i say again.
"You couldn't change that" he says looking at me again. I look at him skeptically. "Seriously, they don't blame you, was Justin or pattie mad at you?" He asks. I shake my head. "See they are happy now, you gave them happiness" he says pointing at me. i think about it, did i? but i also caused them big pain. even though i am not subbing anymore my tears is still running. i hug his chest again.
after some minutes i stand up from his lap. i look around and my room is a mess, pillows everywhere and my pillows made some vases fall and break. i look in the direction of my walk-in closet, and even from the outside you can see the mess that is inside there. i take a quick glance at Christian, he is watching me carefully, maybe he is afraid that i'm gonna snap again. i take small steps towards the closet, and as i reach it and look inside. how can a little girl like me make so much damage in so little time? all, and i mean all the clothes and shoes are on the floor, it looks like i managed to grab the leggings too. tears are still falling, but i don't care. i take deep breath and i start by picking up a shoe, and continue by trying to find the second one, and as i find it i put it back to its place. i start doing it to another pair too, but i was stopped by two hands grabbing my shoulders i look up and surprisingly i see- Justin? what is he doing here? i look down immediately.
"what is going on? i get this text from christian saying he thought you had gone crazy" he says worried.
"i just snapped" i say. i've been walking around for so long with memories in my mind, with flashbacks from the time in hell. i just can't take it much longer. i used to do kickboxing and stuff like that to let off some steam, or dance. i love dancing, but it's been a while since i've done any of the things now.
"what made you snap?" he sounds like a psychologist.
"i went into my old twitter and i saw these tweets from my friends, and i just met pattie again and you told me she was so sad." i say fast. "i caused so much pain" i say even faster, my breathing is fast.
"you are a loved person Hannah, when you go missing people are going to miss you" he says and hug me. i hug back.
after Justin came to check up on me he had to leave pretty quickly. So right now i am cleaning again, christian is sitting on the little chair i have inside there and telling me jokes.
"okay, okay, what did one plate say to another?" christian asked.
"i don't know"
"lunch is on me" he laughed. i chuckled of how stupid these jokes were, he has been telling me like a hundreds of them.
after about three hours of Christian telling lame jokes till he was tierd and didn't bother anymore, and me cleaning my bedroom. just as i place the last pillow in my bed i clap my hands together proud of myself.
"all clean" i say and turn around to look at Christian, but he is sleeping. i look at the time and it is 10:13 pm, wow it's late. i wake up Christian and he says an easy goodnight and walk over to his own bedroom, i change into my sleepwear and hop into bed. what an exhausting day.
***
next update: Saturday.
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I lost, but i fought || J.B
FanfictionThe little Norwegian girl that lived in Karen's Orphanage for boys and girls. She keeps her mouth shut for the most of the time, she's too scared to speak and it doesn't matter anyway, no one wants to adopt a 15 year old, Except Sandy and Will Beadl...