I lost, but i fought || J.B

Chapter 34

as my eyes adjust to the light, i see Justin's face only millimeters above mine.

"I couldn't touch them" i say a tear slipping from my eye. "they where just shadows, that i couldn't touch" i say again trying to sit up, but lay straight back down as i got really dizzy. "but i could touch Zoe, she was still here" i say furrowing my brows. "i killed my self, it started with Zoe dying, and i killed myself" i keep furrowing my brows. "but then i could touch her, and her wings disappeared" i keep talking to myself in confusion, trying to make sense of my dream.

"who are you talking to babe?" Justin asks looking concerned.

"myself" i mutter. "can i have some water please?" i ask.

"sure" will answers. i didn't know he was here, i turn my head to see them all. scooter, alfredo, caitlin, christian, Sandi and obviously Justin. will comes back with a glass of water and a painkiller. i thank him before i swallow the pill and chug down the rest of my water.

"what happened?" Justin asks sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"i had a panic attack or something" i say.

"why?" he asks.

"ehm" i say looking behind Justin at everyone in the room, not wanting to say it in front of everyone.

"guys do you mind giving us some privacy?" Justin asks politely. everybody nods and walk out of my room. "now, can you tell me?"

"Zoe has blood cancer, it's only a 15% chance she survives it, she started chemo today too. I just panicked because i'm not sure i'll be able too see another person die, in at least ten years" i say. Justin looks at me with a sympathetic look. "don't look at me like that" i say poking his stomach.

"she'll survive" he tries to reassure me.

"how can you know? it's cancer" i say. he comes under the duvet with me and i cuddle up against him.

"okay, maybe i don't know if she will or not, but she needs a friend now, someone who is positive, someone to support her through this hard time" he says kissing my head.

"you're right, i'm sure she's terrified"

"mhm" he hums in agreement. And for ages we just lie there ans snuggle, until my phone rings.

"mind grabbing that for me?" i ask Justin since he is closer to the bedside table. he nods and turns his body a little to take it. he gives it to me and i answer without checking the caller ID.

"hello?" i say sleepily into the phone.

"HanHan" a tired voice says in a whisper.

"babe? are you alright?" i say alarmed, but still not moving away from Justin's warm body. i look up at him and he has a frown on his face.

"i feel horrible" she says.

"the chemo?" i ask worried, Justin's frown instantly disappears. did he think i was talking to a boy? silly boy.

"yeah, i feel like i could throw-" before she could even finish the sentence i hear the sound of Zoe vomiting.

"oh god babe, can you hear me?" i ask not sure if she is still holding her phone.

"yeah" she croaks out before vomiting once again.

"shit, oh sorry" i say when i realize that i just swore. in Norway shit isn't really a bad word. 5 year old's say it. "i wish i could be with you and stroke you back, but i just woke up from a black-out, and my head is throbbing" i say apologetic, Justin's arms around me tightens as i say the last part.