I lost, but i fought || J.B

Chapter 28

wow, the view is beautiful. you can see the ocean from up here. it's gorgeous.

"Hannah come sit" Justin tugs my hand and i look to my side and see a blanket with some candles set around it. so romantic. i walk along with him and he sits down and pat the space between his legs. i sit down and admire the view from up here.

"it's very pretty here" i say.

"yes it is, i used to come her to let off steam" he chuckles. "what do you do to let off steam?" here it comes, i'm pretty badass actually.

"dance" not so badass. "boxing, karate, shooting and yeah" yup i know how to use a gun, i have a shooting license.

"shooting?" he asks shocked

"yeah i have a shooting license, i'm allowed to own a gun" i smile.

"you're scary sometimes" he chuckles, i giggle. i really miss dancing, when i moved here from the orphanage i had to quit, but it really isn't that far from where i live now, maybe i can start again.

"i miss dancing" i sigh. "maybe i should start doing it again so i don't beat the shit out of Leah again" Justin laughs.

"she beat you though" what? no!

"she just caught me off guard" i defend.

"if that floats your boat"

"don't make me find my gun" i threatens in all seriousness.

"you have a gun?!" Justin asks shocked. i laugh.

"no" i say sadly. "i wish though"

"why?" Justin asks confused, how is he not completely scared of me now?

"it would make me feel safer" i frown.

"you feel unsafe?" Justin asks and tightens his arms around me.

"sometimes" i close my eyes. "he said he would come find me again" i swallow hard as the memories comes flowing back.

**flashback: 2 years ago**

i hear the gunshot and a sharp pain in my back has developed, just keep running Hannah. another shot, and the pain is there again, keep going you're going home now Hannah. the voices in my head they remindsme of Lucas, mama and papa's voices. maybe they are talking to me from above. i trip, shit my leg. it's a huge gash on my foot. hide Hannah. i do as the voice tells me and hide behind something. he is right in front of me now, but he doesn't know it, he doesn't know i'm here.

"Little kiddo, i'm going to find you, and i'm gonna take you hard when i do" he screamed.

**flashback over**

a tear escapes my eye. i quickly wipe it away. Justin kisses my cheek.

"whatever he said, we are not letting him get too you, i promise" he kisses my cheek again. i turn my head to kiss his lips. i shift so that i am facing him. i deepen the kiss, and he licks my under lip wanting access. i decided not too. suddenly to hands grab my butt, and out of fear i pull away. Justin looks at me confused. many people doesn't know that touching brings out memories, bad memories. especially sexual touching, like butt squeezing.

"i-i'm sorry, it's just that i'm scared. Many people don't know this, but touching makes me feel uncomfortable or scared" i say rubbing my arm.

"so every time i have hugged you, you've hated it?" Justin asks sadly.

"no, not yours, i like your hugs. just as i like patties hugs, and Christians hugs too" i smile. remember the time when i was cuddling with Ryan and i said i missed human contact, like cuddling and hugs? the problem wasn't that i didn't get enough hugs, it was just that i never felt comfortable in one, not with Ryan either, but i think that somehow in my mind i knew that if Ryan tried something Justin would protect me, so it was fine sitting with him then, and he wasn't completly a stranger.

"good, because i like hugging you" he smiles. "but why pull away now?" he asks confused.

"you squeezed my butt, and that's like things he used to do" i say quietly. "along with spanking, slapping, whipping and stabbing" i keep saying just as quiet. sometimes i would have fingermark bruises on my boobs because he squeezed them so hard.

"so your afraid i'm just like him?" he asks, and i think he is offended.

"no that's not what i meant" i look up at him. he is looking at me with crossed arms. and suddenly i feel like crying. "it brings back memories, like flashbacks" i try to explain to him. he uncrosses his arms and brings me in for a hug.

"i'm sorry, i'm trying to understand, but it's so hard. i haven't gone trough what you have, so i cant even imagine how it was or is for you now. i'm being selfish" he sighs. i shake my head, he's not selfish. i need to get over this, but every time he touches me like that i just feel like it his him, the Irish devil that is.

"no, you're not" i say, when i've calmed my crying down. "do you think i'll ever be able to have sex?" i ask seriously.

"yeah, i think you will. you just need to be very comfortable with this person" i nod.

"will it hurt like last time?" i ask worried.

"i don't really know, i'm not a girl and i've never had sex, but i don't think it will be the same pain" he says, so he's a virgin. he and Caitlin never had sex.

"what kind of pain then?" i say sitting up on my knees so i'm facing him.

"people say it hurts only a little in the beginning and then it turns to pleasure" he says sharing his sexual knowledge with me.

"only the first time?" i asks actually very curious, i've never had any sexual education before.

"i think so, but i guess if it's been awhile it can hurt again" i nod, it wasn't awkward talking about this at all, and we were even having eye contact the whole time.

"i'm scared" i admit.

"of sex?"

"that i'll never be comfortable enough" he smile sweetly down to me.

"you'll get there, you are already able to hug, and kiss" i nod. and turn to sit in between his legs again.

after a long while of sitting there and enjoying the view, Justin drove me back home. i thanked him for the date and went back inside with a smile on my mouth, that was a perfect date.

I remove all my make up and went to bed, thinking about the days i've been with Justin. i remember Justin saying that he would stop leah's bullying, but how?

***

Next update: Monday(week 11)

i'm going on a 2 week long holiday to Thailand, so i probably won't be able update there, but i'll try and if i don't the update will be Monday week 11, the day i get home.

Dedication: Mrzbi3ber because she loves my update schedule and i loved her comment

Comment to get a dedication.