depressing thoughts

t

4/16/17
Shit I just woke up from a good dream. Well I think it was good. maybe it's unhealthy but I just felt so good. I had a dream where I was smoking again. But this time it was weed [i have never done this before]. It was a blunt, actually a few, and I could feel myself inhaling and exhaling the substance. It felt amazing. Like my body had just rested. My arms and legs felt tingly and the smoke kept me a bit warm for some reason. The experience was great. I felt great. I have smoked before [cigarettes] in reality but in this dream it was weed, it was beyond the feeling I got from cigarettes. maybe that's what I need to get my hands on. Maybe I can cope with weed. It certainly has got me in a better mood today even though I didn't actually to do it. like the weight has been lifted a bit but I already know it was just go back down.
But it's okay.
Because for the time being I feel better.
even if it doesn't last long.
I just need it to be lessened.
I am content in the moment.
im desperate to find anything to help me cope. even if it's weed.
we all have ways to cope.
and I think my dreams are telling me to smoke. 
huh.
-entry time: 7:17am

Update:
The dream has got me in a good mood today, I actually feel a bit normal today (?). Anyway, I just love how I painted the mason jar with yellow flowers. I always hated the color yellow, I don't know why but I correlated yellow with 'bad' for so many years. I'm starting to think yellow is a nice primary color. The jar came out cute. I'm still a bit upset with some errors I made. It's imperfect but the jar still looks nice. I wish I could feel that way whenever I do an actual drawing or painting. hopefully I still feel okay today, my mood feels like it's going to fade away. I'm a little scared it will. but I guess it's okay. I'm used to the numbness. it's comforting in some way. anyways, I hope I don't feel too bad today.
I didn't go to much into detail about my dream, i forgot to mention that in the dream I was smoking in my room on my bed. Peacefully. The room was dark with the only light source being the TV. It was so nice. I loved it. I hope
my tranquility lasts, but a part of me knows it doesn't and I'll run back to seek comfort again.
the numbness isn't so bad.
well, maybe it's because I no longer feel anything anymore.
I'm just a bit tired.
I think I'll be ok.
in the numbness.
Because the sun will continue to shine.
the flowers will continue to grow
And everyone will continue on with their lives
when I submerge permanently into the numbness. And let it take me away. Consuming me until I no longer resist.
but I think I already gave up.
if the numbness takes me away, i want to go with a flower and a book in my hand.
a flower, because the beauty of nature is so stunning.
and a book, more specifically the novel no longer human by Dazai Osamu. it's a classic. But the book holds a dark concept. And the author had once felt like what I'm feeling now. it's like a strange connection. Hard to put it in words.
but I don't think I'd leave a note.
they should figure out that my numbness took me away.
eee
this entry took a dark turn.
but it's okay.
-entry time: 11:19am

Update:
   I don't feel okay anymore, it faded away earlier. I now feel nothing. I am not content anymore. if i could just get my hands on one cigarette, maybe I would be better. my wrists are so tempting. a canvas without any paint. I know I shouldn't. But I want to. I need to.  Fuck.
  -entry time: 6:56pm