depressing thoughts

r

4/18/17
  
   I am couldn't bring myself to shower in the morning today. I was just so tired and I don't even know why. I didn't do anything that would waste my energy but fuck, I couldn't even open my eyes or move without feeling so heavy and tired. I ended up being woke up again by a family member telling me I have 10 minutes to get ready for school because it was 7:20. God. I didn't even want to get up but I had to. ugh.
  Anyways, stressful classes, and today was dreading. I forgot to set my "cheerful" facade in the morning when I reached school which made some of my friends a bit hesitate to make a conversation with me. I don't wanna do this anymore. Suddenly Van Goghs suicide attempt seems so much more interesting to me. I'm tired. So tired. Makeup will no longer be able to cover up my bags and mask. I'm so tired.
  
     After school I took a shower. But somehow I ended up giving in to my thoughts and laying in the bath tub. Letting myself sink in to the water and starring at the ceiling. The water was warm, comforting. Maybe if I died like this I would feel okay in my final moments. I stayed like that for maybe half an hour, laying there in the water and watching as the water rise due to that hose thing that pokes out of the wall and sprays out water. The bathtub is the perfect size for me. I fit in perfectly. Maybe this is how I should end up going. The thought seems so tempting. For once I felt at peace. But I didn't let myself drown,but that was because of the knocking at the door. I quickly responded, a bit scared and shocked. I calmed down after realizing my sister has knocked and just left after finding out it was just me using the shower. That was too close. I was relieved for a few moments and I submerged back into the water for a while. My fingers started to prune up and I used all my energy to get out and continue on with the day.
  I think actually drowning will be difficult. Of course the human body will fight against it. It would probably be an automatic response of the body. Can't do much about it other than to try to resist. Maybe I can just take pills before going into the water. It can be more peaceful for me. I have enough pills to overdose. I think I'll be okay.
suicide is always an option.
And unfortunately I want to take it.
  I don't wanna be here anymore.

-entry time: 9:43pm