depressing thoughts

c

I
Should've killed myself
last year
I
tried
so hard
and yet I still have this feeling
this
feeling of
hopelessness
and emptiness
It
Won't go away
No matter how hard
I fucking try
It always stays
Sometimes I forget its there
But at the end of the day
I lay on my bed
alone
staring at my black ceiling
and I am reminded
that I am
worthless
that my negative feelings
are still here
that I
am disgusting
fat
ugly
stupid
a disgrace
and that I should be ashamed of who I am.

Sometimes
I wonder
why
why am I here
why let me be born into this world
only to suffer
to cry
To be in pain
why
what did I do to deserve this
who did I anger that caused this
why
if such a god exists
Why put me through misery
Why make me be forced into a constant cycle of suffering, pain, and tears.
Why
w h y
w
h
y
am I alive
maybe
I shouldn't be alive
yellow is a happy color
and I realize the true meaning it has to me
but
i am still
not
there
and
I don't think I'll ever be fully there
it hurts
To be cursed with this
Self hatred and pain
why should I stay alive?
for my family?
Friends?
lover.
maybe that's why
To stay alive for my lover.
but then again
once he realizes his mistake
I'll have nothing
I do truly love my friends
but I
am not happy
I am simply
There
But not there

-entry time: 1:32 am