depressing thoughts

o

4/21/17

   I wonder how long do cuts take to heal. It's been two days (?) since I went ballistic on my wrist and it looks just how it did when I did it. Experimentation. Now I know I shouldn't do it on my wrist, it's too noticeable. I should do it on my thighs or ankles. I'm glad my friend didn't mention anything of what she saw yesterday. I think she forgot. Thank god. I put on a giant bandaid over it so no one could see it if I accidentally lifted my sleeve up again. After seeing her reactions I think I'm
just not gonna ask anyone for help or voice my issues. it won't do anything but damage me even more in the end. I feel like I just wanna shower but not to actually shower, just to lay there in the tub and sink into the water again. To see how I would feel like to drown.
I think I've gotten worse.
that's a bit sad.
I let myself be like this.
I was scrolling through the notes of my old phone earlier and saw my own message to myself saying I shouldn't let it all get to me and how I was sorry [an entry I wrote back in February before I started documenting things here] to myself for submitting into the 'darkness' it's really shocking. To see how I went from that to where I'm at now in two months. I went even farther.
sometimes i read my even older entries from October, where it was at a point of nightmares or taunting dreams. Dreams where id kill myself or come close to death and I wake up to find myself alive.
Dreams where I'm desperately trying to get a smoke because I can't take it any more.
dreams where I am aware I'm dreaming and I'm going to kill myself and I continue on calmly because I just accept that fact that if I can't die in reality I might as well just die in my dreams.
along with my hopes.
I fucking hate how I let myself get this low.  I never thought I would've hurt myself. I never thought I would cry so hard for nothing. I never thought I'd feel terrible. I never thought about how I've always felt empty. I've kept a wall between my reality and illusion.
and my illusion disappeared.

I wouldn't mind if I died.

-entry time: 6:38pm