depressing thoughts

h

this entry will be an assortment of little entries in wrote in October-Feb before I began to write them on there in April.
This content will display how I slowly got to here.
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10/3/16
{dream}

I had a cigarette in my hand and I was sitting on my bed smoking. In front of my Tv sitting on my bed. The room was pitch black with the only source of light coming from the TV. I sat on my bed, smoking the cigarette while starring at the window in front of me. I then looked down to my feet and released the smoke. Nothing came out. I began to inhale more.
Nothing.
No feeling.
I became frustrated.
Why can't I feel the effects?
I smoked it all up until it was finished.
why couldn't I feel better.
I woke up

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{dream}

10/26/16
I desperately looked for a cigarette I wanted one no, I needed one. I ran to a strange man that I had never seen before and I stole a cigarette from his pack and looked for a match. I looked everywhere there was nothing I knew there has to be a match in my home. I search and every spot and made a mess trying,nothing. it was pure agony. I went outside in the moonlight and stared a cigarette crying because I couldn't find a match.

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{dream}

10/24/16

I was aware I was dreaming. I was on a roller coaster making loops I could feel the actual pressure and the air from the ride. I stared up at the gray sky fearing nothing and amused that I was dreaming it all. I stared at the sky until everything disappeared I was falling from a great height. was I scared ? no. I wasn't scared . I I knew it was a dream but I wanted to see what would happen. I didn't care if I died that moment I wanted to see what would happen if I kept falling. I stared at the beautiful gray sky as I unfortunately didn't die.
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{dream}
10/25/17
I was in the middle of the road crossing to get to the sidewalk when a car was quickly coming. I stood there I wanted to get hit by the car. why? why did I want it to hit me? I stood there waiting for the impact until someone calls for my name telling me not to do it, a voice telling me to " please move back ". I looked around for the voice and slowly took a step back and watched the car speed by me. It could've killed me why was I disappointed?
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^ those dreams occurred in the same week, affecting my mentality
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11/15/16

Today is my first panic attack. Dark thoughts shrouded my mind and soon enough my chest tightened it was becoming harder to breathe and I was desperately breathing rapidly trying to get some oxygen. My heart was pounding so fast to the point where I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. My face got flaming hot and my throat felt dry. I felt like I was going to burst into tears I did I curled up into a ball on the floor and held my head and confusion. it wasn't going away my head began hurting. Tears just streamed down my face and I thought spiraled out of control. I was simply not calming down. I was sobbing mess. It lasted a few minutes until I was able to stand up. my fast beating heart, tight chest, and headache still stayed for 30 minutes. I drank two bottles of water to solve my dry throat. I couldn't speak for 40 minutes no matter how hard I tried. I could only speak in a weak whisper trying to talk normally resulted in me breathing every second trying to get more air in. my voice would crack. I was not able to say any words. I gave up. I tried to write my paper but I realized I couldn't even focus because my head was throbbing and the screen was blurry due to my tears. I thought I was going to die.
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12/15/16

It's becoming harder to hide my own thoughts. It's drowning me sitting in silence brings me to the brink of insanity because it leaves he was my own thoughts. Suddenly the mention of death has brought waves of emotion to flow through me. Is it what I truly desire? to be free from this world of pain and stress? I realize how hurt I am. I don't feel like I can return I'm find anymore it's getting to me it's literally consuming me.
Do I really want to die I'm afraid of that answer because I know what I would respond with so I'll leave it. I feel as if I'm slipping away. I'm not who I was before. I feel broken. I'm scared that my thoughts were drowned me enough to where I can accept the fact that I am not breathing (mentally). I feel terrible . am I really the person who I want to be? I swear sometimes I just think that it would be easier just to swallow all the pills to overdose, to die, it's not healthy. I wish I wasnt alive. I might drive myself to death if I hold in all this emotion. so much misery. I don't love the things I used to love anymore friendship, music, academics, it's become nothing of importance to me. It's all become numb. I'm starting to except this numbness. I can't given right? my dreams have been hunting me. I wish this wasn't my reality.
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{dream}