depressing thoughts

l

6/17/18

I told him
about
my depression
I told him
About
how what he said to me still bothers me
and his response to that was
"Didn't we solve this issue already"
I knew I shouldn't have said anything
he repeated the same thing he said before
"I do love you if I didn't love how affectionate you are I wouldn't have chosen to be with you"
"I don't find you annoying... you don't believe me....."
It hurts
This happened a week ago and yet
it hurts
and it's hard for even myself to
talk about
I told him
"You see its that, what if one day you think my affection is annoying and leave me"

I don't think he heard me
Or just didn't understand what I meant
I tried to explain to him that
I believe him it's just
I think he only tells me that
In order to spare my feelings

I hardly see him anymore
He hardly wants to text me
I feel
So annoying
When I have to text him
Because it's always me
always me wanting to talk to
Him
maybe
he just
doesn't want to talk to me
I'm so scared that if I don't talk to him first
that we wont talk at all
I'm scared

Sometimes I wonder
if he really cares about me
I know he loves me to some extent
I don't know anymore

When I think about it
He never got me anything for my birthday
He told me he didn't have money which I completely understand
but then
The next month I hear him talking to our friend about how he's been planning on his gift to her for months and has it.

That made me sad
Sometimes I wonder
If next February
He will even remember our one year anniversary
I feel like
He won't know the day
Or currently doesn't know the day it was
It was February 10th, it fell on a Saturday this year
It hurts
To think that will happen
I'm pretty sure he won't get me anything
as always
but I would like to imagine he would get me something
meaningful
I've talked to him about how much I love rings

I've worn them since I was
Little
My mother always made me wear rings
When I don't wear one I feel
as if im not complete
it would be so sweet
if he got me
a ring
But he won't
Knowing him
He
probably will not remember
or think it's not important enough
Like how it was on Valentine's Day
We barely had gotten together a few days before
But
He got me nothing
Didn't say anything
He brought me a rose as the day was ending
but told me our friend gave it to him
To give to me
Because they felt bad
He had gotten me nothing

That
Made it worse

My friend
Gave me a gift

Not him

This year for Christmas

I know
He won't get me anything
and that's okay
I'll give him something
as always
It's not the desire for gifts that
I complain about
it's the thought that counts behind it
I don't care if the gift is a simple love letter
Or a little drawing
Or simply a hang out
The only thing that breaks my heart
is that nothing is said
or done
Its the fact that when nothing happens
it's essentially saying
I'm not important enough
Even me and my friends give each other things or say things to each other as a "gift"
and that is enough for me!
Maybe it is me being selfish
For wanting
But at the same time
Maybe
I'm right?

-entry time: 2:20pm