depressing thoughts

f

4/22/17

    My siblings have noticed the large bandaid on my wrist and questioned how I got the injury. I merely made up a believable lie and they bought it. Thankfully. It's hard to hide cuts on the wrist. I should just cut my ankles or thighs. Makeup won't cover my cuts on the wrist (I tried but I could still see my skin red and out). I'm going to take a shower soon, I'm hoping I'll have the time to lay in the bathtub surrounded by the water, letting myself sink again.
   I've been thinking for awhile, I really want to read the novel No longer Human by Dazai Osamu. I think I've mentioned it before but I'm just so interested in it. I'm hoping to buy it soon so I can read it. I feel like I can use it to cope. I've watched the anime adaptation about it and it somehow reminds me of myself. Using laughter to mask pain. A series of terrible events occurring. Death. Suicide. Depression. Attempted suicide. I'm drawn to it. 
Another thought I've been having.
  I want to start taking walks alone outside. I just want to be alone for some time. Just with me and my thoughts. Looking at flowers and such as I pass by the houses. I enjoy flowers. Their beauty is so captivating. How they bloom, how they live, how they die, and repeat the same process. just like humans. flowers come in different colors, shapes, sizes, and patterns. it's beyond beautiful. I love to see new types of flowers. It's so pretty. But flowers remind me of death too. we give flowers to people who recently died. we put flowers on graves. We put flowers in certain places in order to serve as a reminder or ceremony of death. But I also correlate flowers to feelings of love, nurturing.
   Any plant really.
i want to paint one before I die.
  A beautiful flower.
Because I can preserve my painting of a living flower.
But I can't keep myself to live.
Just like a dying flower without sunlight or water.
That is what I am right now.
So while I'm here I want to take care as much flowers as I can.
As much plants as I can.
I'm ready to paint my flowers already. I have my paints and brushes. All I need now is a canvas. It's irritating me that I have nothing to paint on. Frustrating. The need to paint something is driving me insane. I have never really painted before (aside from doing water color in my art class). I have acrylics I don't use. I want to paint a yellow flower. I've decided that as my final choice. A yellow flower. Something I do not represent.
-entry time: 8:30pm

Update

Sometimes I think my friends don't like me at all and they are just using me for their own gain because I'm intelligent. I've gotten 2 texts from my "good" friends in the past hour asking me for the answers for the hw. I know it's normal but they don't give me answers for the hw or help me they just copy off all my work and it's annoying me.
I don't like myself.
im sad
-entry time: 8:38pm

  update

  I got out of the shower earlier. It was calming but I was a bit paranoid. I filled the tub with water and kept the water going so it sounded like I wasn't just laying silently in the water. The water was warm. I fit perfectly in the tub, just the right height. I think if I ever committed suicide by drowning I would do it face down. Face up makes it more hard and will irritate me in the process of suffocation. I was testing it out. When I faced down in the water, I closed my eyes and let my tiredness take over. it was so calming. The feelings of euphoria set in as I was slowly drowning deeper into the water, carelessly floating. I felt good. it took me so much energy and force to get out in time from the water before I actually started to suffocate hard.

I wish I let myself to be taken away.
  -entry time: 10:33pm